1. Can sleep for long periods of time without eating, drinking, or urinating
2. Works hard but makes no money
3. Loves avocado and salmon breakfasts
4. Is single
5. Sleeps alone and diagonally
6. Obsessed with filtered water
7. Doesn’t like talking on the phone
8. Can’t find a job
9. Goes on many long, sad walks
10. Loves to sneak into parties with hot tubs
11. Got ghosted by Chad on a hike last summer
12. Can inhale a full meal within seconds
13. Parents don’t understand why they’re still childless
14. Some are attracted to other bears
15. Alternates between eating only meat and eating only plants
16. Life Mantra: Self-Care
17. Obsessed with bees
18. Wear shirts with no pants at home, while eating food straight from the jar
19. Sleep in dens, under logs, and in areas called “shallow depressions”
20. Has been asleep for two months now, but could go for as long as seven
Bear: 1, 3, 6, 9, 10, 12, 14, 15, 17, 19, 20
Millennial: All except 19, technically