“Here’s the thing: I catch my kids eating glue all the time. All the time. And my kids are kindergarteners—you can barely get them to eat their apple slices at snack time. So my logic is: if kids are such picky eaters, what’re they eating glue for? What do they know that we don’t? I figured it must be secretly tangy and delicious, like key lime pie yogurt. So, yeah, I tried it. I’m not proud of it, but I did.”
—Meredith Butcher, kindergarten teacher
“Look, I’m a woman of God. And if God didn’t want us to try it, why would She make it smell so savory and inviting? And the keyword here is ‘try.’ I just gave it a little pinky-finger dip. I don’t want to be accused of gluttony.”
—Grace Freely, twelfth-grade religious studies teacher
“It happened completely by accident, I swear. I was grading projects and Mike McCarthy’s was still a little wet from his last-minute collaging. You know how that kid is always scrambling to finish shit. Like, I assigned this project weeks ago. Anyway, I got a little smidge of glue on my thumb and without even thinking about it, I licked it off. It didn’t even register until a few minutes later when I was grading Lindsey Rowley’s terrible excuse for a diorama. I was like, ‘Oh shit, I think I just ate glue. Also, this diorama is a fucking travesty.'”
—Patrick Duncan, seventh grade science teacher
“Yes, I eat glue all the time. It’s hard to remember when I first tasted it, but I believe that much like Mr. Duncan, it was initially a mistake. A bit of glue had gotten onto my arm throughout the day and dried, creating a flaky, skin-like patch of dried glue. I simply peeled off the patch and ate it, thinking it was my own dried skin. An understandable mistake! Imagine my shock when I realized! After that first taste, it was hard to stop. Sometimes during a prep period I’ll cover my whole hand and forearm in that sweet Elmer’s nectar and wait for it to dry. Then I’ll peel it off, strip by strip, and snack on it with some chamomile tea. I’ll occasionally sprinkle on some glitter or pony beads for added texture. We can swap recipes later if anyone is interested.”
—Wendy Newman, elementary school art teacher
“Oh, this is for teachers who eat glue? I’m in the wrong room.”
—Hank O’Riley, high school woodshop teacher