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Pandemic used as pretext to eliminate humanities major |
Religion professor asked to explain why God hates us |
Emeritus faculty member wanders in, unaware pandemic occurred |
Ceremonial burning of university-branded face masks |
Epidemiology professor acts like goddamn celebrity after appearing as pundit on local news station |
| Faculty member shunned for losing twenty pounds during quarantine | Announcement that faculty will continue to teach each class in synchronous, asynchronous, hybrid, HyFlex, BlendFlex, remote, flipped, and face-to-face modalities, without additional compensation |
History professor chuckles quietly when COVID-19 pandemic called “one of the worst tragedies of all time” |
Anecdote about resilience of human spirit |
Science faculty smug whenever vaccine is mentioned |
| Introverted faculty members even more awkward after year in isolation | Assistant professor sneezes; is denied tenure |
FREE SPACE “New Normal” |
Cringey COVID-related joke | Faculty member forgets they’re not wearing face mask; smirks through entire meeting |
| University president has aged twenty years since March 2020 | Sexy new major in “Apocalypse Analytics and Pandemic Cyber-preparedness” introduced | “Trauma-informed teaching” | Faculty member still fully committed to pandemic sweatpants | Creative writing professor casually mentions new erotic novel, Fauci and Me: Lust in the Time of COVID |
| Moments of silence for tuition revenue lost last year | Faculty member insists on Zooming in from the third row | Philosophy professor quotes Camus’ La Peste | “Although students are not required to provide vaccination documentation, we’re confident that ‘[University name]’s Vaccine Honor Pledge’ will ensure a safe semester” | Spate of early retirements announced |
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