Aries (March 21st – April 19th)
Trust your instincts. If Tucker says it’s a hoax, then it’s probably a hoax. If family members think you’re paranoid, remind them that everyone is out to get you, Avril Lavigne is a clone, and George Soros canceled Roseanne.
Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)
The moon is entering Toyotathon, presenting you with a unique opportunity to enjoy yourself this week. But stay alert, Taurus, the leftist mob is on their way to harvest your children’s fears into Ezekiel bread.
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)
Your creative juices are flowing, Gemini, positioning you to get record-breaking likes on a 🇺🇸TRUMP TRAIN🇺🇸 meme. Stay focused! The media may try to censor you, but you’ll still be famous among a small group of boating moms in Jacksonville.
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)
You’ve been focusing a lot on yourself, but it is important to show up for others. Go protect a confederate statue in Dinwiddie, VA.
Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)
Mercury is not in retrograde, that is fake news!!! Have you tried MyPillow?
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
Venus and Saturn are controlled by the coastal elites! Alyssa Milano is entering your 12th house so now is a great time to spice up your wellness routine. Try putting butter in your coffee or a Clorox Wipe facial.
Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)
You’re feeling frustrated because Jupiter is orbiting Buffalo Wild Wings and they won’t let you in without a mask. Shift your thinking to the positive (they’ll let you in with a gun).
Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)
The universe is giving you a gift! But instead of accepting socialist handouts from space, check out our list of “Top 10 Pro-Life Christmas Gifts” tomorrow on Fox & Friends.
Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)
You’re feeling restless as commanding Saturn infringes on your right to gender reveal parties. The planets are testing you, Sagittarius—now is the time to prove your inner strength with a new pair of cargo pants.
Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)
A recent breakup has you feeling emotionally looted. Don’t let empathy get the best of you. Try some non-sensitive self-care, like a Monster Energy drink or a Joe Rogan podcast.
Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th)
As a water sign you are feeling OUTRAGED about that Florida woman who was found in a pond. But as a free mind, how can you channel that negative energy? Let it out in the YouTube comments.
Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)
BREAKING NEWS: With the sun moving into Libra, now is the time to take a risk. Get a second fridge for the garage.