Pt. complained of severe abdominal cramping and diarrhea ninety minutes after lunch. Advised him it would pass quickly and to hydrate intensively. Bland diet next 48 hours. Warned pt. against eating Peas Porridge in the Pot Nine Days Old again.
Pt. with mild head trauma, no loss of consciousness. Brought in by distraught but uninjured wife who also sustained a fall. Bandaged pt.’s surface wounds, advised him to stay awake and keep walking to avoid concussion damage, and also not to go up any more hills carrying pails.
Pt. exhibited first and second degree burns on lower legs and posterior torso. Dressed wounds and advised against jumping over candlesticks. Not nimble enough without flexibility and strength training. Recommended yoga and Pilates.
Pt. Jack Sprat re-check of cholesterol ratio and general lipid panel. Doing well on statins. Wife, however, doing poorly on Nutrisystem and needs to eat leaner to become leaner. Recommended cardio for both.
Dressed mild abrasions to udder area in Pt. Bossy. Advised against all jumping, particularly over orbital objects. Recommended more sedate activities appropriate for age and bovinity.
Case referred out: Four-and-Twenty Blackbirds with heat prostration and other trauma after being “baked in a pie.” Ambulance to local vet.
Pt. Jack Horner: referred to psych unit for eating disorder with compulsion to stick digits in his food. Warned pt. of results (both medical and social) of said unsanitary practice. CB therapy probably effective.
Multiple juveniles seen, apparently all “whipped soundly” and incarcerated in a shoe. Remanded to Social Services and mother placed under observation at Mother Goose mental facility. Father’s whereabouts unknown.
Pt. referred to outpatient behavioral care unit for severe arachnophobia. Abandoned tuffet was located and returned to pt.
Fatality: Pt. sustained multiple fractures and internal injuries from fall from wall. EMT horses and men unable to resuscitate or reconstruct scrambled victim. Coroner summoned.
Pt. displayed possible OCD regarding pet lamb, even allowing animal to follow her to school one day and enduring peer harassment. Pt. transferred to MG mental facility.
On-call night physician ran up the clock at 6:30 p.m.
Respectfully submitted,
H. Dickory, M.D.