Pill Bottle Instructions for Unhinged Protagonist

PROTAGONIST, UNHINGED
Rx# 066321882

PRESCRIBED BY: Shady doctor on the take

QTY: Seemingly infinite

DIRECTIONS: Take 2 tablets directly from bottle, and 3rd that spilled on rug. Take irregularly and at moments of peak stress. Swallow dry or CHEW LIKE TIC TACS. If refill is needed, disregard and shake empty bottle over mouth. Bottle Storage: Open and on its side; MUST BE VISIBLE TO TROUBLED DAUGHTER.

ACTIVE INGREDIENTS:

• Acetaminophen 250 mg………………Pain Killer
• Morphine 250 mg……………………….Pain Murderer
• Codeine 400 mg………………………….Just cuz 😉

USES:

• Mirror-facing meltdowns
• Shot in gut and “powering through it”
• After divorce proceedings (en route to avenge dead corgi)
• Arthritis

DOUBLE DOSAGE IF:

• Not effective within 3 seconds
• Pregnant or breastfeeding
• Not “if,” “when”

TRIPLE DOSAGE IF:

• Soundtrack swells

MORE EFFECTIVE IF TAKEN: While weaving through traffic, with a shot of Old Crow or chopped and snorted at son’s cello recital.

SIDE EFFECTS:

• Internal bleeding
• Internal monologue
• Visions of abusive father
• Conspiracy reveals itself
• You’re at a strip club now?

WARNING, WHEN USING THIS PRODUCT:

• KEEP WITHIN REACH OF CHILDREN
• USE MORE THAN DIRECTED
• PROCURE HEAVY MACHINERY AND OPERATE IT

IF SYMPTOMS SUBSIDE: You must be cured. Immediately flush remaining pills.