- Dog-walking
- House-sitting
- Babysitting
- Yard work
- Catering
- Elder care
- Figuring out which light bulb on your string lights is dead
- Holding a casket at a funeral
- Driving you to the birth of your child
- Driving you to your abortion
- Letting you know if you have anything in your teeth
- Providing talking points for the book you haven’t finished before your book club
- Pretending I can’t open a pickle jar so you feel stronger
- Reminding you that your ex is still a cheater even though they went to one therapy session
- Providing an extra hand for “light as a feather stiff as a board” at your next sleepover
- Watching your ex’s Instagram story and reporting on their whereabouts to you
- Pretending I’ve never watched The Godfather so you can say you showed it to me
- Attending your comedy show and setting my phone alarm to go off in the middle of it so you can say, “Let me guess. Birth control?” and the audience can laugh and laugh and laugh
- Sitting on your shoulders at the mechanic so that together we look like one seven-foot-tall being who the mechanic will take seriously and not up-charge
- Attending your least favorite cousin's wedding and pretending to choke during her first dance with her father so you can save me from choking and steal the spotlight from her
- Asking you for money while filming a video and then sharing your kind act online so friends, family, and strangers will love and respect you the way you’ve always wanted to be loved and respected
- Calling your mother and telling her that yes, you are gay, and the reason you hired a third party to tell her is because you didn’t know how she was going to react because when that one girl from The Bachelor came out as queer your mom said she “tricked” the men on the show, and you don’t know if her generation really understands the nuances of sexuality and how daunting it can be to broach that topic with them
- Watering your plants
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