1. Baby’s First Oil Field Science Kit – Work with your precious little one and rebuild a scale model of the oil fields owned by great-great-grandpa Thurston Moneybags III! He used to throw 10-pound bags of pennies at poor immigrant tenement buildings for fun! Oh how the old man used to cackle with laughter as he sped away in his horse-drawn carriage!
2. Waitress Dress-Up Costume – Perfect for Halloween! Never forget where you came from! Like when Grandmother was a struggling waitress at New York’s most luxurious seafood restaurant, spotted the fancy watch on Grandfather’s wrist and knew she had to land that big fish! Teach your little girls to aim high, aim far, and aim for the biggest wallet in the room!
3. A $20,000 Play House – Just like Mommy had when she was a little girl and only had $5 million in her trust fund! Comes with a kitchen set, couch, lofted bed, air conditioner, speaker system and TV! Mommy and Daddy’s housekeepers may not be able to afford any of those things, but your babes sure will!
4. My First Glam Station – Perfect for prepping your little angel for a lifetime of hair and makeup appointments, before all of the totally natural and not staged paparazzi moments your family has! Gotta keep that public image sparkling and clean! Comes with all the essentials that Mommy’s glam station has, including a waxing booth, nail polish station, tanning bed and soundproof crying room!
5. My First Scandal Coloring Book – Your baby will color in scenes of everyday life, like Daddy’s Second Tax Evasion Scandal, Mommy’s Fifth Affair with the Tennis Instructor, and Sister’s Ninth Tabloid Hit Piece, Complete with Photos of Her Getting Drunk at a Secret Society Party at Yale!
6. A Ferrari – Only the best for your little one! Let young Conrad drive around the streets of your gated community, while Mommy is having her first or fourth martini of the day, and Dad is out on his semi-annual Yacht Trip with the Boys and 20 Models!
7. Prep School Teacher Barbie – In honor of all the teachers who teach your little ones Mandarin Chinese, feed them foie gras on Fridays, pump up their tiny egos, and change those Fs to As when Daddy calls the school and threatens to pull his donations next year! Teacher Barbie may wonder why she’s being underpaid at a school that costs $30,000 per year for its students, but I’m sure they’ll raise her salary one day!
8. Luxury Premium Solar-Heated Kiddy Jacuzzi –Retailing at a modest $40,000, this cozy little pool comes with a set of five Tesla solar panels sent straight from Elon Musk himself. Daddy has so many fun times when Uncle Elon is in town. Every day they’re smoking cannabis from Elon’s ultra-luxury gravitational bong; drinking craft cocktails with a moon rock at the bottom of the glass; and scrolling through Elon’s Instagram feed to laugh at poor people celebrating the holidays! Who even does “Christmas” and “family time” anymore, am I right?!?
9. Baby’s First Divorce Attorney Office Play Set – Complete with a little polished mahogany table, four luxurious leather chairs, and a legal document detailing all the times Daddy had “night-time life coaching sessions” with the nanny!
10. My Little Office Set – Prepare your tyke for a bright future commanding America’s biggest board rooms, where no one will ever call him out if he falls asleep during a meeting, or never shows up to the meeting at all, because his dad owns the company!