Don't.
Don't be that person dropping a handful of Puritanical walnuts into the toe of your significant other's Christmas stocking.
Don't give them the prudish nuts this holiday season.
People who love their significant others give them Emeton's Loose Nuts.
Emeton's Loose Nuts are genetically modified to be more winsome than common domesticated nuts. Emeton's Loose Nuts are meatier, more sensuous, more lissome, bustier, than those ordinary strait-laced nuts.
Bashful? Not our nuts.
Emeton's Loose Nuts will seduce you with their flavor.
They will do a lap dance on your tongue.
They will drag you under a bridge and steal your wallet while playing “Love me Tender” on the harmonica.
These aren't your father's nuts.
Emeton's Loose Nuts are the sluttiest nuts you will ever encounter. They will make you want to leave a $100 bill on the nightstand and avoid eye contact with everyone you know before diving into a taxi, changing your name, and flying to Bora Bora.
Emeton's Loose Nuts are hard. So hard. Firm. Rigid. They will remain hard, just for you, for as long as you need. (Store in a cool, dry place.)
When you break open an Emeton's Loose Nut to reveal its succulent center, it screams in ecstasy.
Can a hazelnut do that?
Maybe it can.
But it won't.
Creep down a darkened stair at 3 AM What is that sound? A clatter upon the threshold. Open the front door and lo! Behold a gaggle Emeton's Loose Nuts, bouncing up and down with eagerness to come inside.
Succumb to your desires and invite them in.
Are they ebullient?
Oh yes.
Emeton's Loose Nuts are fucking ebullient.
HOLD a handful of our swollen Emeton's Loose Nuts in your hand and you will feel like you are holding the world.
ADMIRE the beautiful, polished burr of the shell that belies a heart of sin beneath.
CRACK them open to reveal a den of iniquity.
REVEL in the deep cleavage of the nutmeat within.
EXPLORE their clefts with your lips.
CRUNCH them between your teeth to release and imbibe the ensuing gush of moisture. You will not be disappointed.
Here are just a couple of testimonials from our satisfied customers:
“Whorish.”
—Ted M.
“Om-nom-nom-nom-nom!”
—Granny G
And for just eight easy payments of $500 per month, we will throw in a genuine, genetically modified Emeton's Tight Nutcracker. Burst a nut (or two) in the titanium jaws of this sleek, long-billed pelican of a nut-cracker. It is so powerful, you could crack Godzilla's nuts with it (If reptiles had nuts, which, we checked and they don't. But if they did… Wow! Big nuts!).
So go ahead, bust a nut.
Munch an Emeton's Loose Nut today.