Translations of the Inspirational Quotes Posted on Facebook by Denise, a Snowplow Parent of Two Teenagers

Facebook Quote	Translation
	When Denise checks her Facebook feed that morning, she’s sad to see a fellow parent she knows has Covid. She doesn’t want him to be so sick that he misses the braggy Facebook posts she has planned for her daughter’s performance in The Great Gatsby later this week.
	It’s 9:00 AM, and Denise is plotting to become the next head of the PTA. She plans on using the tools that serve her best—hard work, relentless pursuit of goals, and slander.
	Over lunch, Denise finds out that someone from the PTA said that Denise was purposely keeping people off the email chain so certain moms couldn’t sign up to volunteer for the spring fair. Is Denise doing this? Of course, she is. That spring fair is the hottest volunteer ticket in town, and only her most devoted minions will receive those kinds of perks.
	Denise arrives at her daughter’s soccer game and accidentally sits next to Michelle, the mother of Little Flower’s star striker. Denise’s daughter is the actual “star striker” and best soccer player to ever attend Little Flower Prep School. The coach just doesn’t know it yet.
	After Denise donated their life savings to Little Flower, her daughter got the lead in The Great Gatsby. Denise thinks donating more money to the school (AKA—her life savings) will get her youngest the starting spot on the soccer team.
	While Denise watches her daughter sit on the bench AGAIN, she swallows a lump in her throat the size of a wine bottle to keep herself from crying. WHERE ARE HER MINIONS?
	After the game ends, Denise stands up and tells Michelle’s mom the truth about her daughter—she’s a ball hog. When Michelle’s mom reacts negatively to Denise’s comments, Denise tells her to “piss off.”
	After picking up takeout for the kids and cracking open a bottle of wine, Denise pulls up her bank account statement on her computer and Googles home loan refinancing options.
	Denise is buzzed. She posts this quote because she thinks it’s funny.
	Denise is full-out drunk. She’s still thinking about the soccer star’s mom, who Denise doesn’t know personally.
	Denise ignores her friends’ pleas to delete her most recent Facebook posts.
	Denise passes out on top of the keyboard. Again.