- Use facilities at your own risk.
- Gym is open 23/7, that missing hour is always a surprise.
- Wipe down equipment after use with one of the damp napkins placed atop our overflowing garbage bins.
- Children under 12 are not allowed in the fitness area. If you see someone that looks younger than 12, feel free to ask for identification and if they refuse, please escort them out of the facility for us.
- You’ll need your key card to enter the workout room, but if it comes within two feet of any machine in here it will no longer work.
- Don’t rely on either of the clocks.
- Consult a physician before working out and have the doctor’s note on you while in the gym. Note: The cabinet on the wall marked “DEFIBRILLATOR” does not contain a defibrillator.
- Be aware that the belt on the treadmill slips and will absolutely make you trip. And regardless of which buttons you press, the treadmill will only speed up and never stop.
- Carefully jump off the treadmill when done.
- Aim for the side with the yoga mat that has the most holes in it.
- Do not use the mirrors to creepily stare at other people working out.
- There are two TVs, but the only one that works will constantly blare out hateful religious views.
- Do not creepily stare at any of the people in the pool area.
- Please wear appropriate attire even though it will not at all be enforced.
- Don’t judge the guy in the three-piece suit with sunglasses violently swinging a kettlebell.
- There are hidden cameras in operation so that front desk employee can creepily stare at you.
- You’ll be dehydrated in a few minutes since it’s unreasonably hot in here.
- Ignore the scary squeaky noises that are coming from the rusted elliptical machine even when it’s not in use.
- Do not actually lift the free weights.
- Keep in mind, you can’t run off one week’s worth of pancakes, burgers, mozzarella sticks, and beer that you’ve been gorging on at the hotel bar every day.
- Report any complaints to management, where we will pretend to write it down on an important-looking notepad.
- If you feel like you might have a heart attack, please do not exercise here. There is a Motel 6 a few blocks away that has a way better liability insurance policy and a brand new defibrillator.
- The water fountain isn’t even hooked up.
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