What Can We Expect from the Next Installment of "Sex and the City"?

The reboot is called “And Just Like That…” because:

1. After a long hiatus, we are suddenly reunited with the girls at a totally different time in their lives—and ours.
2. Carrie wakes up one morning after a night out with the girls at Cafeteria and, just like that, finds that she has transformed into a gigantic insect. “I’m going to need more shoes,” she clicks to herself, looking down at her fore-, middle-, and hind-legs.

Carrie is now:

1. A contact tracer, using the skills she gleaned from watching Charlotte figure out how she got crabs in the Hamptons in Season 2.
2. Unemployed, since she can no longer go on dates to generate material for a column that she cannot type—because she is a huge cockroach with pincers instead of hands.

Carrie’s new side hustle is:

1. Monetizing her signature monologues! Her TED Talk, “How to Live in a Brownstone on the Upper West Side and Afford to Wear a New Designer Outfit Every Day While Day-Drinking $25 Cocktails on a Freelancer’s Salary” has become the most-watched in the history of TED.
2. Renting out rooms in her apartment on Airbnb. To do this she must lock herself in her bedroom and remain out of sight, lest she frighten the guests. This is a most unsavory arrangement, but she needs the money to afford purchasing pairs of Manolo Blahnik’s three at a time.

Spoiler: Miranda’s running for governor! She:

1. Succeeds, because voters believe that if she can make a responsible father figure out of that deadbeat Steve, she can easily rehabilitate New York State.
2. Fails, because one of the Airbnb guests leaks to the New York Post that Candidate Hobbes smuggled in cosmos to an anonymous arthropod on the Upper West Side. She is accused of indifference towards the squalid housing conditions in the city, effectively sinking her campaign.

When Carrie has a chance run-in with her carpenter ex, Aiden, he:

1. Is erecting an outdoor seating structure for Eleven Madison Park, imbuing him with an unprecedented sexiness… that is abruptly shattered when he turns around to reveal a 25-year-old man baby strapped to his chest in an Ergo baby carrier (Tate has regressed during these troubled times).
2. Ever the toxic beta, he proposes marriage again, hoping she’s less likely to cheat on him now that she’s a grotesque mega-insect.

The gay characters on the show:

1. Have been rewritten to resemble actual human beings, rather than amalgams of harmful stereotypes who exist only to prop up the straight characters.
2. Lift Carrie’s spirits by bringing her their leftover sushi from SushiSamba, playing show tunes on the piano, and regaling her with tales of their misadventures on Grindr.

Jack Berger makes a cameo to tell Carrie:

1. He regrets the Post-It note breakup and wishes there had been the technology to ghost her via text instead.
2. That he always got “cockroach vibes” from her and only wishes he had ended things sooner. To express his rage he bombards Carrie with apples, one of which lodges in her exoskeleton.

Kim Cattrall isn’t returning to the series because:

1. She’s an overly dramatic diva who refuses to have her character be humiliated through plot lines that focus on justifying her weight gain and signs of aging.
2. She’s an overly dramatic diva who thinks the presence of an outsize pest with a grave apple-induced injury will overshadow her character’s message of sex positivity.

Mr. Big is cancelled after:

1. Carrie learns that he used his connections to get early access to the COVID vaccine for himself, but not for her and her friends.
2. He suggests to Charlotte and Miranda they should all abso-fuckin-lutely leave Carrie to die of her back wound, so that he can find a softer woman to love.

Mostly A’s: Sex and the City remastered for modern times
Mostly B’s: Sex and the City remastered for Kafka’s The Metamorphosis