Lenny Bruce: You sincerely, 100% believe a woman has never, ever faked it with you.
George Carlin: You hate “liberal snowflakes” but once threatened a barista who wrote “Dave” on your coffee cup instead of your name (David).
Richard Pryor: You believe you can explain the concept of intersectionality better than anyone else.
John Mulaney: Your favorite shows are The Office, Parks & Recreation, 30 Rock, and Arrested Development and your favorite sex position is missionary.
Mike Birbiglia: You think that because you have a dad bod, you’re a good guy.
Maria Bamford: “Oh yeah I think I’ve heard of her, but have you seen John Mulaney? He’s great.”
Jim Gaffigan: You high-five after sex.
Chris Rock: For some reason, you believe you’re the first person to discover Chris Rock’s comedy.
Hasan Minhaj: You don’t know the difference between “Xicano,” “Latin American,” and “Hispanic.”
David Cross: You’ve referred to your mother by her first name since you were 14.
Hannah Gadsby: “Who?”
Dave Chappelle: Not only do you believe you’re allowed to say the n-word, you also believe you’re somehow more woke for saying it.
Anthony Jeselnik: You once told a Holocaust joke (that you wrote) at an open mic, and were surprised when nobody laughed.
Bo Burnham: In anecdotes you refer to any female, regardless of her age, as “this girl.”
Chelsea Peretti: “The girl from Brooklyn Nine-Nine?”
Hannibal Buress: You learned what feminism is from Broad City, and you’re not 100% on board with it yet.
Demetri Martin: You order whisky neat on dates, even though you hate the taste.
Chris D’Elia: You do CrossFit, and post daily gym selfies with #beastmode.
Patton Oswalt: You constantly remind people that your alma mater is considered a “little Ivy.”
Sarah Silverman: You call yourself a “feminist” and/or a “nice Jewish boy” in your Tinder bio.
Louis C.K.: After dropping a slice of pizza on the ground, cheese-down, you will offer the pizza to the woman you’re with and tell her she’s wasting food when she doesn’t accept it.