- If you crack your knuckles near your smartphone, you’ll see targeted ads for “One Weird Trick” to cure arthritis.
- Always wait an hour after eating before discreetly pouring shredded cheese into your mouth straight from the bag when you pass the fridge.
- If you pluck a gray hair and leave it under your pillow, a Madison Reed coupon will appear in its place the next morning.
- If you break up with a man, you’ll get a text message. If you break up with a woman, you’ll get an Edible Arrangement and a Babeland gift card.
- If you sit too close to the television, you’ll hurt your neck as you look back and forth between the TV and your phone.
- If you swallow gum, your next dozen bowel movements will take on an air of dreadful mystery and anticipation.
- If you shave your legs, your ambivalence about your sex life will grow back twice as thick.
- If you kick an ice cube under the refrigerator, you’ll ignore a gas leak.
- That toner from your mom’s neighbor’s MLM makes an unparalleled grout cleaner.
- If you leave a bag of dog shit in the Little Free Library, you’ll summon Astaroth.
- If you take the plastic off your grandparents’ couch, you’ll summon Satan himself.
- The five-second rule can be extended to ten seconds in shoeless households when no one is watching.
- If you drop an empty La Croix can and it lands upright, you’ll get audited by the IRS.
- If a man regularly misuses the phrase “out of pocket,” don’t let him write his own wedding vows.
- An overheating MacBook doubles as an Easy Bake Oven. (Well, more like a griddle.)
- If you’re carrying low and you’re not pregnant, it could be a tapeworm.
- If you’re over thirty and you try a viral TikTok challenge, you’ll meet the deductible on your health insurance.
- If you’re feeling hungover, another serving of whatever you were drinking will get you a DUI on your way to take the kids to dance class.
- A convertible bridesmaid’s dress doubles as a straightjacket in a pinch.
- Therapy is like the Baby Foot exfoliator, but for your personality.
- If you enjoy a shred of happiness during an idle moment, internalized capitalism will compel you to get back to work.
- Anyone with curvature left in their cervical spine is a witch.
Resources