Brothers and sisters of the community, let us begin today's sermon by giving thanks to Jesus—carpenter son of Juan and Maria Salverro, who—in our time of need—hooked this church up with discounted lumber to repair the damage done at last year’s Indoor Barbeque Competition. We still have not officially found the culprit, but we all know who it was, and if only a certain organ player would fess up…
GO TO HELL, REVEREND!!!
Thank you for those spirited words, sister Everett. Moving on, today's sermon is a response to the perennial, unnoticed discrimination that's been polluting our college campuses since the advent of higher learning. Sister Joyce Turner—stand up babygirl—of Lakeside College brought this to my attention some weeks ago, and I went out and saw firsthand the blasphemy her and countless others have had to endure for years. Tonight I talk, of course, of segregated parking.
Grey, blue, green, yellow, and purple! The colors of oppression and vehicular enslavement, I do declare! Too long have we sat idly by while the White Man pushes his segregationist agenda upon our personal transportation! Why should we allow some folk to park in one lot, but not the other?! Why must we have students park only on this side of a lot, and not that side? They are the same lot, what is the difference?
We must have equality of parking lot ownership! We must eliminate reserved parking, both students and faculty! Just because so-and-so works as a professor of science, he deserves, based solely upon social standing, a closer, private parking space? Preposterous, pretentious, and petty!
First come, first serve, I do declare! Let equality in the parking lot reign supreme! The first step to a better society is to allow everyone, regardless of parking tag color, to mingle and communicate amongst all spaces of the parking lot, and not on the far side near those recycling dumpsters. Segregation only divides, never unites.
To accomplish our goals and spread our message of parking equality, we must fight back! But we have to do as the good Reverend King did, and use non-violence to get our message heard across the nation! But how—we must go to the source, the local campus police squads, who punish those whose only crime is believing in a free parking lot! Parking tickets are the banners of evil! Thus—I do declare—we begin removing parking tickets from ALL oppressed windshields! Even if the vehicle is not your own, take the offensive citation from the wiper's grasp and throw it in the garbage!
Organize anti-ticketing rallies on your campuses, find volunteers that will stake out your parking lots and report police sweeps, and swiftly destroy the offending tickets as soon as the cops are out of sight. This will serve two purposes: we shall save ticketed victims of segregated parking from temporary rage and, at billing time at the end of a semester, we shall flood the campus pigs’ offices with dozens, if not hundreds, of formal complaints over false ticketing allegations!
Backed into a corner, the White Man will have no other option but to drop the majority of the claims to save face and potential internal collegiate investigations. No cop wants to be the blame for ticketing chaos—it’d be the end of their credibility forever. So chuck those tickets and deny everything! Don't pay into their immoral piggy-banks! If all goes well and our non-violent approach works, perhaps the police will eventually drop all semblances of segregated parking! I mean, if no one pays and no one has evidence of a ticket but the cops, do you not think the White Man will sit back and take notice of this situation affecting thousands of students across the nation? We shall do away with green and the purple and all other viral colors of parking tags—and the only color left will be that of equality!
Except for visitors and commuters. They will still need the White Man's branding. They're second-class citizens on campus anyway.
Amen!
Amen, my ass, Reverend! Tell ‘dem good people of the congregation who the real daddy of Olivia’s baby is!
I said AMEN, sister! That means you tap the keys and everyone leaves!