Well, well, looks like I need a car to get home for Thanksgiving. I know, I'll go to Enterprise Rentals! They pick me up!
(ring ring)
Hi, Enterprise? Yes, I need a car for 4pm! Yes, I have all that. Okay, pick me up at 3:30! Sweet! Thanks, Enterprise! You're the best-est!
(vroom vroom 20 minute ride to the store, courtesy of Enterprise)
Me: Hey, thanks for the ride.
Enterprise: Anytime. So, everything looks in order since you filled out your information on-line.
Me: Yep.
Enterprise: Okay, all we need is a driver's license and a credit card.
Me: Awesome, here you are.
(clicky clicky on the keyboard)
Enterprise: Uh…
Me: Oh, what ever is the matter?
Enterprise: This is a check card. We need a credit card.
Me: Huh? It's the same thing.
Enterprise: No, it's not. This withdraws cash from an account–
Me: Duh. That's why I put cash in it. To take it out later.
Enterprise: But we need a credit card. Because we need proof of a credit history.
Me: I don't have a credit card–credit cards are machinations of evil that make identity thieves wet their pants.
Enterprise: I can't rent you a car without a credit card under your name.
Me: But, but…
Enterprise: Company policy. Unless, of course…
Me: Yes???
Enterprise: Do you happen to have a $150 cash for a deposit, plus the cost of the rental, plus a copy of your phone and electric bills with your house address, plus a sample of your DNA, all under your name?
Me: I'm a poor, unlucky, college student that had to have you pick me up to even arrange this meeting. Of course I don't–well, maybe the DNA, but I'd need to give you my underwear.
Enterprise: Then I can't rent you a car.
Me: I'm calling my mommy! Whaaa!
Enterprise: There's nothing I can do.
Me: Oh, puuul-leeeze lemme' have a car! They're locking the dorms and if I'm not out before then, the zombies in the basement will rise up and devour my brains!
Enterprise: Well, since I'm in the giving mood, I'll give you a ride back to campus. That should make up for things.
Me: I don't see how that makes up for you not giving me a car, but I'll take it.
(vroom vroom 20 minute ride back to campus, courtesy of Enterprise)
Enterprise: Sorry things didn't work out.
Me: I hate you.
Enterprise: Yeah, well, get a credit card.
Me: Eat a dick. The zombies have won.