Mom says I’m a people person. And if Tuesday night was any indicator, she’s right. I sat down next to this dude in the Local Pub and within ten seconds of meeting him, he told me about his breakup with his girlfriend. Eventually, he got kicked out The Local Pub for being an insane jerk (there’s a big, “No Insane Jerks” sign on the wall and he didn’t pay attention to it—gotta have rules), and I’d love to go into detail about how lovely bartendresses Emmy and Tiffany shamed this loser, but well, it’s just too pathetic. So, I’ve decided (because I’ve been racking my brain for almost three hours trying to figure out how to write about this) that I’m gonna snippet-out some of the high points. The loser’s name is Andy.
Andy: Man, I would seriously beat her ass, but the laws here in Florida really fuck you over if you hit a chick. Did you know that—
Me: Dude, you shouldn’t not-hit chicks because of a law; you should not-hit them because they’re chicks.
Me: How’d you find out she was cheating on you?
Andy: I hacked into her private Livejournal diary and it had all this crap about how she wanted to leave me for this dude who was breaking up with his girlfriend and how he was so much better than me in every way. I swear, the shit bitches think. I can’t believe she wrote about my cock.
Me: Dude, you know I just met you right?
Andy: I thought I met you like once before.
Andy: Did you see the way that bitch looked at you when she said hi? What a stuck up bitch. She thinks just ‘cause she’s hot that she can act like that.
Me: I’ve known her four years. She’s a friend of mine. I’ll thank you to refrain from calling her a bitch, all right?
Andy: Sorry, dude. I thought she was being snotty.
Me: She was just bored, man. You need to lighten up.
Andy: I think my biggest problem is that I get too emotional. What do you think?
Me: I think I just met you five minutes ago.
Tiffany: Why don’t you just go outside and cool off?
Andy: Oh no. I know that trick. Like people don’t do that to me all the time. The minute I walk out that door, you’ll lock me out.
Tiffany: We made him do a field sobriety test after we threw away his beer.
Me: And he did it?
Emmy: He did everything we told him to. He even hopped on one foot.
Me: Now I’m starting to feel sorry for the guy.
Now, I’m not one to make fun of an all-points loser like Andy. Life is making fun of him with much intensity on a daily basis. But my God, to know that there are people like this out there—people who tell total strangers about their most devastating moments and cuss out bartenders for not smiling at them—just scares me. Mommas, don’t let your babies turn out to be insecure weirdos…