John: Hold up. I’m not ready. My hair has to dry.
John: Hold up. I’m not ready. My hair has to dry.
Mike: Don’t worry about it. The wet look is in. John: No, seriously. I need to let my hair dry.
Mike: You have two choices here: be a man or get a blow dryer. We’re leaving. Wait for his hair to dry? You believe this guy?
Me: Well you know… the whole metrosexual movement and all.
Mike: When I first heard that term, I thought it was the title of a porno about people banging on trains.
Me: That’d be much better than a bunch of guys who dye their hair and shave their armpits.
John: Fuck both of you. I’m not going out like this.
Mike: Later, Chica.
Mike: Nathan, I’d like you to meet Lorna and Alicia. Lorna is a British cokehead and Alicia is a slut who doesn’t shower regularly. She’s from Philadelphia. Girls, this is Nathan. He’s a raging alcoholic and womanizer from St. Louis.
Me: Um, Mike. What the hell are you doing?
Mike: I’m on an honesty kick.
Me: You’re on an asshole kick.
Mike: Whatever, booze hound.
William: I sweat buckets through my forehead every time I eat these wings, but I gotta do it you know, because they taste so good and I like them so much.
Mike: Yeah, it’s like dating a dirty prostitute.
Lorna: What the hell are you talking about?
Mike: It’s like the prostitute, she treats you like shit, gives you VD and fucks you up to the point where your dick is falling off, but you keep going back because the sex is so good.
William: Yup, that’s what it’s like.
Lorna: I can’t believe it, but that analogy actually made sense.
Mike: You know what the best part about going to Britain is?
Matt: What?
Mike: Getting British ass.
Lorna: He just ate forty chicken wings in less than an hour.
Matt: You should see him when he’s hungry.
Alicia: Why do you like Hooters so much?
Mike: Because they contribute so much money to charity.
Alicia: Shut up.
Cable Guy: Hey, is that the new Harry Potter Book?
Me: Yeah.
Cable Guy: Who dies?
Me: I’m not telling you.
Cable Guy: Why?
Me: You gotta read it, man.
Cable Guy: Well you know, there’s a renewal special on cable internet access. It’s technically not available to new customers, but I can offer it to friends, relatives and well, anyone I want, really.
Me: How much would it save me?
Cable Guy: Twenty a month.
Me: Fine, it was Dumbledore.
Me: I’m worried that once I get internet access, I’ll spend all my time at home in front of the computer.
Sharon: Well, that’s better than spending all your time drunk in front of a stripper. No offense Nate, but if anyone could use more time at home it’s you.
Me: How you gonna say that? I eat there sometimes. I shower there. And I mainly sleep there. I’m home a lot.
Sharon: What color’s your carpet?
Me: It’s kind of a brown, sandy kind of hue gimmick.
Sharon: Hue gimmick? You’re full of shit right now, you know that?
Bill: We’re supposed to get some great sunsets soon.
Tom: How you know that?
Bill: There’s a big dust cloud coming from the Sahara Desert. It’s supposed to make for some really cool sunsets.
Tom: So let me get this straight. A cloud of dust can cross the ocean? Nate, you hearing this?
Me: Yeah. I heard that, too.
Tom: How does a cloud of dust cross an entire fucking ocean?
Me: How the hell did you graduate?
Tom: Touché.
Greg: So Lance Armstrong did it again.
Random Guy: No he didn’t, man. You don’t even know Armstrong. He’s innocent, I swear.
Me: What are you talking about, man?
Random Guy: What are you talking about?
Greg: Lance Armstrong, the cyclist.
Random Guy: Oh, my bad. Forget it.