Jennifer: It’s hot.
Tony: Yeah, it does that in the summer.
Tony: It’s like most people talk just to hear themselves speak. ‘It’s hot. I’m hungry. Lovely weather. It’s raining.’ Don’t nobody got nothing to say.
Me: I gotta take a dump.
Tony: How you gonna tell me you gotta take a crap? I don’t wanna know what you’re doing in there. You got to keep that to yourself, Mr. Nate.
Me: Do you think that existential thought has negatively affected or positively affected the Fabian push for world socialism?
Tony: So anyway, how was your shit?
Joe: Don’t tell me about paternal instincts until you’ve had a sympathy pregnancy.
Me: Well, that’s a hell of a line to walk in on. What are you guys talking about?
Mark: Fatherhood. We’ve both got kids.
Joe: Yeah, but Mark didn’t get fat when his girl got pregnant.
Mark: If I got fat every time she did, I’d be lucky to get out of bed in the morning, let alone make it to work.
Me: I’m never having kids.
Me: The All Star game is on. Are you watching it?
Whitney: Is that baseball?
Me: Forget it.
Sheila: I hate it when you get drunk and pass out.
Me: I hate it when you bitch.
Sheila: I only bitch about your drinking.
Me: Yeah, but that’s just the start. First, it’s my drinking, then it’s my being late all the time, then it’s me seeing other women, then it’s the fact that I watch too much sports. It never ends.
Sheila: You’re seeing other women?
Me: Fuck me.
Greg: This is Nate. He used to live in Land O Lakes and back then we called him Butter.
Amy: Why?
Greg: Because Land O Lakes is a company that makes butter.
Amy: I wouldn’t know. I don’t buy butter.
Greg: You don’t buy butter? What are you, a Jehovah’s Witness?
Me: What the hell are you talking about? Jehovah’s Witnesses can have butter.
Greg: Well excuse me Reverend Asshole. I had no idea.
Me: Yeah, they’ll put something like that on your headstone. ‘Hear Lies Greg. He Didn’t Have a Shit Clue.’
Greg: And they’ll bury me right next to you. And your headstone’ll say, ‘Here Lies Nate. He Wasn’t Worth a Shit.’
Amy: I can’t tell. Are you guys friends?
Royce: I give you three months until they have to kick you off that website.
Me: Why? I’ve already written about blowjobs and hookers. There’s a guy on the site who insults every ethnicity on the planet. What could I write that would get me kicked off that site?
Royce: Ah, you’ll think of something.
Charity: I’m so pissed that I have to work and my boyfriend gets to sleep in.
Me: Yeah. He should really be up every second you are.
Mike: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to check out that website. What’s it called—Case in Point?
Me: Points in Case.
Mike: Puts in Case?
Me: Points, like he points with his finger. In, like fucking in. And case, like suitcase.
Mike: So it’s Points in Case. That’s a stupid name.
Me: It took you three seconds to go from learning the name to mocking it.
Mike: I think it’s a stupid name.
Me: You’ve never even been to the site.
Mike: And I’m not going. Not until they change their name from Point and Case into something that makes sense.
Me: Points in Case.
Mike: See what I mean? It just doesn’t stick in the old noggin.’
Me: You’re an idiot.
Mike: I’m another idiot not checking out the pointing case site.
Me: Now, you’re just trying to piss me off.
Anna: You’ve been to jail, right?
Me: Yeah.
Anna: Who usually bails you out?
Me: Friends or family.
Anna: Ever call your girlfriend to pick you up?
Me: No. I usually lie to the girlfriend about where I was.
Anna: Why isn’t my boyfriend that smart? I’m not asking for a lot. Just don’t call me for bail money and leave the toilet seat down. Really, how hard is it?
Me: Well to be fair, that toilet seat thing—
Brad: Just shut your mouth, man. You’re flirting with death.