Me: Hey man, grab a pen.
Me: Hey man, grab a pen.
Court: Can’t you just e-mail that stuff to me.
Me: Can’t you just grab a pen? You remember pens, right? Writers use them.
Court: Dude, just e-mail it to me.
Me: Fine. I’ll bet you forgot what your handwriting even looks like.
Scott: That was some party; you should write about that.
Me: Yeah, that’d be real original. I can see it now: ‘There was a party with beer and women. At one point, someone puked. It was awesome.’
Scott: Fuck you.
Court: I’m setting up your blog so that the snippets are archived separately.
Me: Great. My Dad’ll be so happy.
Court: Yeah, that’s why I’m doing it.
Tony: Do you need help carrying that?
Random Girl: Yeah, I could use some help.
Tony: Well, don’t just stand there. Help the poor girl, Nate.
Me: Fuck you, Tony.
Me: I can’t believe that online encyclopedia linked to that Latoyia Figueroa thing I wrote.
Court: Yeah, it was funny how they linked to it like you’re a real responsible journalist or something.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Court: Nothing. I just think you may want to double check the spelling of Latoyia’s name.
Me: Shit.
Me: We’re agreeing with each other and we’re still yelling. It’s like we argue even when we agree.
Mike: That’s only because you’re always wrong.
Me: Whatever, biscuit head.
Mike: I see your biscuit head, and raise you a noodle dick.
Me: I see your noodle dick—
Tom: You’ve seen his dick. I had no idea you guys were that close.
Me: Fuck, I walked into that one.
Me: You’re not advocating abandoning Hooters for Wing House are you?
Mike: The Wing House has a better talent pool, they serve hard alcohol, and it’s a more laid back atmosphere.
Me: So, no more Hooter’s Night?
Mike: We’ll always have Hooter’s Night. It’s tradition. Don’t worry.
Me: I was getting a little upset, there.
Mike: Yeah, I saw that tear welling up in your eye.
Sharon: Okay, it is very important to me that you are sober at 8 PM, tomorrow night.
Me: Too bad it’s not that important to me.
Sharon: Nathan, listen. You will be meeting the most important professor in my life tomorrow at 8 PM. I need you to behave yourself and be sober. Or there will be problems.
Me: If I’m sober at 8 PM tomorrow, there definitely will be problems. Couldn’t you have picked someone else to be your damn citizen advisor, or whatever?
Sharon: I could have. But, unfortunately, you’re the best writer I know. And besides, you owe me.
Me: All right, I promise not to have more than three beers before meeting your professor.
Sharon: One of these days, you’re gonna make some unlucky girl very, very miserable.
Me: Is there any chance that this conversation is over now?
Sharon’s Professor: So, Mr. DeGraaf, what do you think of Sharon’s thesis topic?
Me: The one about plucking chickens with crack heads?
Sharon’s Professor: Ha ha, very funny. No, but seriously, do you feel that the ways in which people use humor in everyday life could one day help us define personality types? Humor is, after all, a very useful tool. Perhaps the ways in which we use it say quite a great deal about who we truly are.
Me: Perhaps, but I could really care less about defining myself or learning how to use humor. I just laugh when the old people fall down, and that’s pretty much it.
Sharon: Nathan’s more of a “found” writer. He collects stories from his life and relates them to his readers.
Me: When I’m not just making shit up, that is.
Sharon’s Professor: Dr. Smith spoke very highly of you, Mr. DeGraaf. He praised you as one of the best writers he ever taught.
Me: Please thank him for me.
Sharon’s Professor: He also said you were a blatant smartass who didn’t have enough sense to come in from the rain.
Me: Again, please thank him for me.
Sharon’s Professor: Well, I’m sure Sharon looks forward to your input. And because you write for a humor website, you certainly qualify as both advisor and subject.
Me: So I can go now, right?
Sharon: Well, you made quite an impression on my mentor. After you left, he said you were a perfect example of someone who uses humor as both a defense mechanism and a tool for avoidance.
Me: He’s a perfect example of someone I’d like to slap the silly shit out of. Who does he think he is? Sizing me up after a few minutes of knowing me. What a dickhead.
Sharon: He also said he could tell that your parents were divorced.
Me: Yeah, well tell him I can tell he’s an ugly fuck who lost his virginity to a third cousin, pity-fuck style.
Sharon: This is gonna be a great thesis.