Happy: Overtime in a preseason game. Priceless.
Me: It’s like an hour of straight, bad sex, and no one’s cum yet.
Me: I’m doing a five part exposé on strip clubs.
Tom: If you need any help with that research, you have my number.
Tony: I told myself I wasn’t gonna watch any preseason games this year.
Me: How far did you get before you broke down?
Tony: The second quarter of the first game.
Me: I’m doing a five part exposé on strip clubs.
Sharon: So you get internet access with the hopes that it will help keep you out of the bars, and then you invent an excuse to visit strip clubs.
Me: I don’t like the way you look at stuff.
Sharon: You mean, ‘logically?’
Me: I mean ‘bitchy.’
Me: Man, the Raiders are really coughing this one up.
Tony: Of course they are; they’re the Raiders. They’re too stupid to win.
Me: I’m writing a five part exposé on strip clubs.
Luke: What’s an exposé?
Me: It’s like when you… shit I don’t know.
Me: How about this for a foursome: Kerry Collins, Randy Moss, Sebastian Janikowski and Warren Sapp? They got an alcoholic, two stoners and a pill head as the cornerstones of their team.
Happy: The Raiders are screwed this year.
Me: I’m writing a five part exposé on strip clubs.
Jason: I know. You’ve told me three times. I interviewed you for it last week.
Me: That was you?
Jason: Yes. Didn’t you wonder where you got those cocktail napkins covered in questions and answers?
Me: Oh yeah. I can’t believe I forgot that.
Jason: Dude, quit drinking.
Dave: What do you want? Strongbow, Budweiser, Heineken, Corona…?
Me: Miller Lite.
Dave: You’ve never ordered one of those from me before. You’re like the only guy I’ve ever served who constantly changes beers. It’s weird. It creeps me out. I’ll ask the question again: ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’
Me: I’m writing a five part exposé on strip clubs.
Mike: It’s about fucking time.
Me: So guess what name they’re gonna use for the hurricane that starts with N this year?
Jamie: Oh good God, do not say, ‘Nate.’
Me: Hurricane Nate. Has a nice ring to it doesn’t it?
Jamie: I just hope it never hits Florida or I won’t hear the end of this.
Me: I’m writing a five part exposé on strip clubs.
Dave: And I should care about this why?
Me: Because it’s me, and I’m writing about strip clubs. Don’t that count for nothing?
Dave: If you replace ‘five part exposé’ with ‘going to’ maybe.
Me: I like how the Little League World Series tells you stuff from the players' lives. Like a kid comes to bat, and the graphic names his favorite comic book character. They should do that in the majors.
Dave: So Sosa comes up to bat, and the caption tells you his favorite steroid or something?
Me: Absolutely, that’s the kind of stuff we deserve to know.
Me: I’m writing a five part exposé on strip clubs.
Happy: Sometimes I worry about you, Nate. Sometimes…