Me: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
Me: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
Luke: I don’t know. I guess I’m kind of partial to Manson. You?
Me: The Green River Killer.
Luke: Well, in terms of numbers, I guess he was the best. But Manson had way more style.
Me: Okay, I’ll give you that.
Tony: How can you not give it up to Jack the Ripper? He started that shit. He was the Cy Young of serial killers.
Me: Bullshit. Cy Young won more than 500 games. Jack only killed like seven people.
Tony: You got to have respect for the people who started it all.
Luke: No, man. Jack was ripping during the dead ball era. Manson, he started the new wave: cults, craziness, drugs and brain washing. He was the shit.
Me: I’m telling you, you have to look at the sheer number of dead. Look how many people the Green River Killer murdered.
Six: If you gonna look at numbers, why not Hitler? He killed millions.
Me: Yeah, but that was en masse. He didn’t do it himself.
Luke: I still say no one made killing popular like ole’ Chuck. Take him away, and what is a serial killer, really? Nothing but a guy who kills people. You got the steak, but no sizzle without Manson.
Dave: Could you guys take this conversation outside? You’re scaring the normal people.
Tony: I mean think about it. Didn’t nobody even know what a serial killer was until Jack the Ripper showed up.
Six: True.
Me: Just because he was the first doesn’t mean he was the best.
Tony: No, Mr. Nate, but it does make him the most important. I’m sure Thomas Edison’s light bulb wasn’t the best one ever made, but no one says his contribution was less important than General Electric’s.
Luke: You know how they can make a light bulb that will last for like hundred of years without going out?
Me: Yeah.
Luke: Why don’t they sell us those?
Me: Planned obsolescence.
Luke: What?
Tony: They gotta make more so they can sell more.
Luke: That sucks.
Tony: We’re getting off topic.
Me: In terms of numbers, we’re giving it up to the Green River Killer. In terms of style, it’s Chuck Manson. In terms of historical importance, it’s Jack the Ripper.
Six: So how do we rank Ted Bundy?
Me: Fuck.
Me: I don’t think Ted Bundy was all that memorable. He was just a sociopath who killed girls.
Six: The Green River Killer only killed female prostitutes.
Me: Yeah, but he set the record.
Tony: You’re putting too much stock in numbers. I mean, everyone knows who Ted Bundy is, but what was the Green River Killer’s name?
Me: I don’t know, but that’s only because he was so successful. He went years before he turned himself in. By the time he confessed, people had already forgotten about him.
Tony: Because he was not noteworthy, like Jack the Ripper was.
Luke: Or Manson.
Tony: Will you get the fuck out of here with your Manson? The guy never even killed anyone with his own hands. He was just a murder organizer.
Luke: I’ll bet that’s how he put it on his resume, too.
Meg: Why are you guys all standing outside?
Me: Dave didn’t think our conversation was appropriate for the bar.
Meg: For that bar?
Me: Yup.
Meg: What are you guys talking about?
Me: Murderers.
Meg: Why?
Luke: Because it’s fun.
Meg: What?
Tony: Shut up, Luke. You’re scaring the poor girl. Nate, tell her why we’re talking about serial killers.
Me: We’re exploring the phenomenon whereby popular culture exalts the mass murderer to celebrity level.
Meg: Have you like, concluded anything?
Six: Manson had style, Jack the Ripper started it all, and Nate wishes he could meet the Green River Killer and lick his balls.
Luke: Yeah, that’s pretty much it.
Meg: Weirdos.
Luke: You ever notice how serial killers never use guns? It seems guns would be easier.
Me: Yeah, but it takes the sheer enjoyment out of murder. It’s not fun unless you can feel the actual animal sensation of taking life.
Tony: Okay, um, I think I’m gonna go back in the bar now.
Six: That was fucked up right there, Nate.
Me: Well that’s what I heard.
Me: Dave, do you have a favorite serial killer?
Dave: Get out of my bar.