Never buy any food that comes in a box from a grocery store.
Never buy any food that comes in a box from a grocery store.
Unless trying to make a baby, do not have sex without some form of birth control. If she’s not on the pill, go to the condom. I know it sucks, but it beats the hell out of twenty plus years of parenting.
Drinking is habit forming. Everything can be habit forming. Therefore, dinking can be everything.
Never call a girl by her last name.
In the words of James Douglas Morrison, “Expose yourself to your deepest fear. After that, the power of fear shrinks and vanishes. It has no meaning, and you are free.”
Never feel sorry for people. You don’t really feel sorry for them, anyway. You feel sorry for what it would feel like to be them. (There’s a difference, you soulless fuck.) Instead, just be yourself. No matter how screwed up someone is, they don’t need your pity.
It is easier to be critical than it is to be correct. It is easier to make people cry than it is to make them laugh. It is easier to have sex with chicks who smoke cigarettes than chicks who do not. I don’t make this stuff up, people. I just live it and convey it.
Drinking is not a hobby.
Stuff you must respect: guns, drugs, sports, marriage, old people and war veterans.
Stuff you must disrespect: guns, drugs, World Government, rich people and shit talkers.
The best people in your life will never ask you what the hell you were thinking after a major screw up. The best people in your life, after watching you screw up, will laugh at you heartily and then offer help as if obligated to do so.
Never trust a woman who won’t wear a watch. A woman who won’t wear a watch doesn’t care where she has to be or when she has to be there. So why should she care about you?
And, the newest addition to this list, thanks to Mr. Tony of Local Pub Fame, “Eat cheese while you’re young.”
And finally, my secret to complete and total happiness: Never notice when you win. Never care when you lose. And always smile.