Ryan: My date is drinking mouthwash.
Ryan: My date is drinking mouthwash.
Me: What do you mean, drinking?
Ryan: She brought mouthwash to the party, and she’s drinking it. I don’t know how to bring this up.
Jen: Have Nate do it.
Ryan: Nate, would you go ask her why in the hell she’s drinking mouthwash?
Me: She’s your date. Why don’t you ask her?
Ryan: ‘Cause she’s my date.
Me: So um, that’s good mouthwash, huh?
Kelly: Yeah, you ever drink mouthwash?
Me: No, I was told at a young age not to swallow that stuff.
Kelly: Oh, you’re missing out. It gets you good and drunk and keeps your breath fresh. When you drink this stuff, you don’t even want a cigarette. That’s how I got into it.
Me: So, you decided to start drinking mouthwash to help your breath?
Kelly: Well actually, I first started it in rehab, you know, ‘cause I couldn’t drink, but then I came to like it more than alcohol, and then, after drinking it a lot, I stopped smoking all together.
Me: I can respect that.
Kelly: Like I care what you respect.
Me: So, what do you think of Ryan?
Kelly: Who’s that?
Me: Your date.
Kelly: Oh, he’s cute, but I think he’s boring. What do you think about him?
Me: I think he’s the kind of guy who would never drink mouthwash.
Kelly: Some people are just close-minded.
Me: You know what, give me a swig of that.
Me: Why is your toilet so small?
James: So the fat women don’t get too comfortable in my house.
Me: Genius.
Jen: So why does she drink mouthwash for fun?
Me: Cute story. She started drinking mouthwash in rehab. And then later, she learned that mouthwash is one of the alcohol products that did not cause her to want a cigarette, so she used it to quit smoking, and I guess she’s just gotten used to it and now she just drinks it regularly. She’s real open minded.
Ryan: So what would you do if you were me, Nate?
Me: If I were you, I’d run from the house screaming, “That chick is way too weird for me!”
Ryan: Okay, smart ass. What if you were in my situation?
Me: I’d try the mouthwash. It ain’t half bad.
Jen: Dude, you and the mouthwash chick were meant for each other.
Ryan: Yeah, a real match made in bizzaro world.