Me: Wow. I’m glad you came over unannounced, but I wasn’t planning on this. God, how can I say this without sounding crass?" />
Me: Wow. I’m glad you came over unannounced, but I wasn’t planning on this. God, how can I say this without sounding crass?
Amy: Just tell me you just finished masturbating. I can take it.
Emmy: So how do you know when you’re officially dating someone?
Me: When you’ve had sex without being even slightly drunk.
Emmy: Then, how do you know when you’re exclusive?
Me: When she leaves a toothbrush at your place.
Emmy: Wow. Those are both good answers. I always thought it was more complicated than that.
Me: The only thing in life that’s really that complicated is the people trying to figure stuff out.
Emmy: Don’t even try to get deep. We all know you.
Me: My bad.
Me: I’m trying to hook up Amy’s roommate with a guy. Apparently, she wants a hot guy, preferably blond, who’s good in bed. You game?
Pat: I don’t know, man. I haven’t had sex in a long time. I can promise she’ll have a dick in her, but that’s about it.
Me: The next time some girl tells me to do her right, I’m using that line. That’s comedy.
Pat: For you, maybe. For me, it’s fucking tragedy.
Me: Why does everyone always feel they can pick on me? Don’t people realize how sensitive I am?
Pat: Hey man, stay away from my thing. I’m the brooding guy going after everyone’s sympathy. You’re the sexist asshole with thick skin.
Jen: We all have our roles, Nate. You can’t mess with fate.
Me: I think everyone loves advice that rhymes.
Me: We just spent ten minutes trying to figure out how many Super Balls we would need to fill up this bar.
Dave: Yeah. That’s the most thinking I’ve done in a while. I even used a calculator.
Me: The sad thing is, I’m pretty happy with our conclusion.
Dave: I’m just happy I kept myself entertained for ten minutes.
Me: Why didn’t Velcro shoes catch on? They’re convenient and cheap.
Emmy: And they’re ugly.
Pat: And they always get those frazzled little white strips at the end after they get old. It makes them look bad.
Adam: They’re like the digital watches of shoes. Sure, it’s a good idea. But it’s just not as pretty as the original.
Me: This is some deep shit, right here.
Brian: How’d you do last week?
Me: Broke even. Lost on the Bucs; won on the Steelers. How’d you do?
Brian: I went 0-4, lost three hundred bucks and had to explain to my girlfriend why I couldn’t get her that purse she wanted. So basically, I lied to my woman, lost a whole bunch of money and ruined a perfectly good weekend. I hate gambling.
Me: I’m putting a hundred bucks on the Bears this week.
Brian: What’s the spread?
Corndog: What channel’s the hockey game on?
Me: The Outdoor Life Network.
Corndog: How far the mighty have fallen.
Me: The sad thing is, Bass Masters gets better ratings.
Corndog: Well man, that’s only like, the best fishing show ever.
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna have to take your word for that.
Me: So it turns out that ants can teach each other, according to a recent study.
Brian: Yeah well, according to an old study, I could care less.