Amy: I can’t believe she thought I was a prostitute. No one’s accused me of being a prostitute since I was fourteen.
Me: Okay, that’s a snippet right there. I mean, what the fuck?

Luke: If you were a West Virginia miner who owned a Blackberry… well, I think you’d have to be one of the more miserable people in America right now.
Pat: Wow. That was a brilliant observation. You got any more pearls of wisdom there, Socrates?
Luke: It would be awesome to be a millionaire.
Me: The man’s a genius. Pure and simple.
Pat: He’s definitely simple. I don’t know about pure, but that’s the picture of simple right there.
Luke: Actually, it would be the personification of simple, right Nate?
Me: Wow, have you been going to class or something?

Amy: What’s your problem? I’m just being affectionate. It doesn’t have to lead to sex.
Me: You said that like ten times yesterday.
Amy: So?
Me: So we had sex five times yesterday.
Amy: I know. Wasn’t it awesome?
Me: You see, you’re deflecting my point here.
Amy: Just shut up and kiss me.

Me: I think I’m gonna have to steal that idea from you and use it in one of my columns.
Ben: That’s okay. I’m used to it.

Amy: We just had a simultaneous orgasm.
Me: Okay?
Amy: You don’t realize how rare that is. Couples the world over dream about making that happen and it just happened to us.
Me: Well you know, the law of averages and all…
Amy: Whatever. Just go ahead and ruin the moment, why don’t you?

Pat: What you been up to?
Me: Boondocks, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, South Park, The A-Team, Miami Vice, a few movies… you know, the usual.
Pat: So, just sitting on your fat ass, watching TV?
Me: Pretty much.
Pat: Welcome to the real world, Nate.

Amy: You know you’re having great sex when you have a simultaneous orgasm and it’s only your third favorite orgasm of the day.
Me: I think I remember what the outside world looks like, but I can’t say for sure.
Amy: Yeah. We should go somewhere.
Me: And leave the TV? No way.

Me: So, can I give you five bucks for jump-starting my car?
Carla: I work at a gas station. You know I could use the money.
Me: I’m calling that a yes.

Amy: My roommate’s mad at you.
Me: Why?
Amy: Because I was loud in bed.
Me: How’s that my fault?
Amy: I’m not sure. But it is. You need to apologize to her.
Me: For what?
Amy: For bothering her while she was studying.
Me: But you were the one being loud.
Amy: I know that. Look, don’t try to understand it, honey. It’s women.
Me: This is some bullshit right here.

Jesse: Like many things in life, this is not difficult. However, it must be done just right…
Pat: Or else what?
Brian: Or else we end up in jail.
Me: Like many things in life?
Jesse: Okay, like many things in my life.

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