The Snippets Blew That Call

Coach Lombardo: That was the worst call I’ve ever seen. You’re a lousy umpire.
Cary: Do you think my hat smells like fish?
Coach Lombardo: Get that smelly thing away from my face, freak.
Cary: I think fish, but Nate says it’s more like a dirty, butt crack smell.
Coach Lombardo: You suck, Blue.

Coach Micks: Listen to me you little punk. You’re a lousy umpire. And if any of these kids look up to you, I think it’s a crying shame.
Me: Coach, you’re way too close to me, right now. Anyone who gets this close to me, well, I just have to kiss them. It’s how I was raised.
Coach Micks: You think you’re funny, don’t you, you little jerk?
Me: I once slipped on a banana peel.

Me: So what did he say? Fish or butt crack?
Cary: He didn’t answer the question. He just wanted to argue the play at the plate.
Me: How rude.
Cary: Yeah, some people.

Coach Micks: Holy shit. I can’t believe you just kissed me!
Me: Wow. That got you out of my face in a hurry. What? Are you afraid of a little man love?
Coach Micks: You are messed up, DeGraaf.

Eileen: I heard you kissed a coach.
Me: Shh. Don’t tell anyone. He’s married.
Eileen: Did you go to the Ringling Brothers School of Umpiring or what?
Me: What’s a school of umpiring?

Tom: Yeah, we got some problems in the game you’re about to do.
Me: What’s that?
Tom: You got three parents, two coaches and a player all suspended for the game. You have to make sure they don’t show up.
Me: These kids are twelve years old and I have six suspended people? Whatever happened to sportsmanship?
Tom: Look at it this way. If we had sportsmanship, we wouldn’t need you guys.

Batter: Ump, was that a strike?
Me: Yeah, you swung at it.
Batter: What if I hadn’t swung at it? Would you have called it a strike?
Me: I don’t do well with hypotheticals.
Batter: I don’t do well with big words. Just tell me where the pitch was.
Me: Which pitch?
Batter: The last one. The one I swung at.
Me: Man, that was a long time ago. I honestly don’t remember.
Batter: It was a minute ago.
Me: Quit living in the past, dude.

Tom: I heard you kissed Coach Micks.
Me: Of course not. That would be unprofessional.
Tom: No offense Nate, but unprofessional seems to be your middle name.
Me: Keep it up buddy, and you’ll be firmly entrenched in my passionate embrace.
Tom: Seriously, who hired you?