Me: She cheated on me.
Kevin: With a man or a woman?
Me: A man. It’s not cheating if it’s with a woman.
Kevin: Ahh, well clearly I need a copy of this rule book.
Kevin: Let me ask you a question.
Me: Alright.
Kevin: If I drank a bottle and a half of red wine and two beers and didn’t even get a slight buzz even though I haven’t had a drink in six weeks, do you think I have a problem?
Me: How much do you weigh again?
Kevin: I’m about six foot two, two sixty.
Me: Yeah. I’d definitely be concerned.
Kevin: Thanks, hoss.
Me: I can’t believe she cheated on me.
Main: She cheated on her last boyfriend, didn’t she?
Me: Yeah.
Main: And she sucked you off in the bar, didn’t she?
Me: Yeah.
Main: So, what surprises you again?
Me: Fuck off.
Jamie: I don’t think my parents want anything to do with me.
Me: Why not?
Jamie: They moved like a month ago, and they still haven’t told me where they live.
Me: That’s fucking hilarious.
Jamie: Whatever, Dick.
Tiffany: That was great. Your girlfriend must be lucky.
Me: No girlfriend. She cheated on me.
Tiffany: She left you for another guy?
Me: No. She just cheated on me and I broke up with her.
Tiffany: Wow. I’m glad my man isn’t so strict.
Me: You have a boyfriend?
Tiffany: Fiancée, actually.
Me: Man, it’s good to be back.
Tiffany: What?
Me: Nothing.
Tim: You looking at her ass?
Kevin: Yeah.
Tim: Wanna hit it, huh?
Kevin: Yeah. But I can't. You?
Tim: Boss, I would hit that ass so hard, whoever pulled me out would become the next King of England.
Kevin: That’s going to Nathan.
Tim: Who?
Kevin: Get to work.
Becky: I’ve heard rumors that you beat women.
Me: Like, in a bad way?
Me: Do I strike you as the kind of guy that hits women?
Becky: No, but you never know about the people in [The Smoky Pool Hall]. You have to make sure.
Me: Well, I’ve slept with a few of the women who work there. I can give you references if you like.
Becky: That’s okay. Thanks, though.
Becky: I think that cheating is cheating, whether or not a girl cheats on you with a man or a woman.
Me: I disagree. When it’s girl on girl, the only cheating that’s going on is when they don’t film it for me.
Becky: You’re a real man of principle.