I just had a meeting with my boss. From that meeting, we developed the following new office rule (the sixth since I started): there is to be no sleeping in the office during business hours. This rule was put in place because, last week, I slept four hours in the break room after a particularly wild night of drinking.
The last rule the boss invented was actually related to Points in Case. That rule: no writing about this office, Nathan's specific occupation or any of Nathan's coworkers. Talk about sparing the audience. Or talk about rare meat. I mean hell, talk about whatever you want. It's your life. Wait, you knew that, didn't you? I'll stop now.
Anyway, that rule was invented after my boss Googled my name. Sometimes, I really wish my name was David Smith or something.
The fourth Nathan Rule (as my boss calls them) was actually a pretty cool one: if the Cardinals are in the postseason, Nathan can go to the closest bar and watch during business hours if and only if he brings his cell phone with him. I'm a big fan of this rule. The boss made this rule effective because he's as big a baseball fan as I am.
The third rule invented because of me is (I guess) fair: Nathan is not allowed to touch anything mechanical besides his own computer. This rule came to be after I broke the fax machine. I swear on my future grave, it was an accident, but whatever. I'm not even allowed to put paper in the copier, anymore. It's kind of sad.
The second rule the boss made because of his incredibly intelligent decision to hire me: Nathan is not allowed to have sex with any of his coworkers. He doesn't have a lot of control over this one, but it does make my lunch breaks less fun. This rule was put in place after I had sex with a coworker who now hates me.
And finally, the first rule the boss put in place (during my first month of employment): Nathan is not allowed to show up drunk to work. This rule was put in place after I showed up drunk to work (after attending a party in honor of my friend Ben completing his MBA).
I've typed it a hundred times: you gotta have rules. And well, I guess I gotta have rules, too.
That being said, I mean, it's getting kind of strict around here. First, he took away drinking, then he took away coworker sex, then he said I couldn't accidentally break stuff, then he threw me a bone and let me have baseball, then he told me I couldn't write about my job and now he says I can't sleep at work.
I mean, what's next? No more Masturbation Wednesdays?
God bless the working stiff and all that.