Me: How was the funeral?
Ryan: Umm, it was sad. Yeah? sad. It was? fucking sad.
Me: And they're usually such happy events.
Ryan: Really? ‘Cause this one was sad.
Me: Hey Dad, what you doing today?
Dad: Heading up to the bar to play a little poker.
Me: That's cool. I figure I'll stop by.
Dad: How you gonna do that?
Me: I'm gonna appear out of nowhere, as if in a dream. How you think?
Dad: Are you in town?
Me: You're not getting Alzheimer's, are you?
Dad: Shut up.
Katy: Uncle Nate, I think you're old enough to get married.
Me: You and everyone else, Katy.
Julie: What can I get you?
Me: I think I'll have me some fried cheese.
Julie: Fried cheese?
Me: Fried cheese.
Julie: What is fried cheese?
Me: I believe you call them mozzarella sticks.
Chip: I think everyone calls them mozzarella sticks.
Joe: How'd you get that lighter through airport security?
Me: I put it in my pocket.
Joe: And the metal detector didn't pick up on it?
Me: Nope.
Joe: Well, that makes me feel safe.
Me: How's your day going?
Airport Employee: You really want to know?
Me: No.
Me: This guy sent me an email that read, “You're an idiot,” except he used the wrong “your.”
Dave: Well, at least his heart was in the right place.
Me: Fuck you.
Me: Dude, I have some very whipped friends in the Midwest.
Kevin: You've got them on this side of the state, too. It's a pandemic. We're everywhere.
Random Guy: What are you reading?
Me: [saying nothing].
Random Guy: Is that book good?
Me: Are you talking to me?
Random Guy: Yeah, I get kind of chatty on flights.
Me: Really? That's weird. I mean, they just make me want to kill people.
Random Guy: I get it. I get it. Enjoy the book.
Labels: snippets