From Justin Rebello:
Welcome back to the DeGraaf-Rebello Playoff Blog Exchange, or as I call it “The PIC Feature Read Only By Dan Opp”. After screwing the pooch with baseball last year, football was a raving success, culminating with my wonderful 9-2 playoff prediction performance and Nate going the way of Chris Simms' spleen.
So again this is kind of experimental, written hastily and with little regard for intelligent opinion or grammar, but if this bothers you, you wouldn't be reading myself or Nate in the first place. Fuck yourself with something steel.
Let's get to the predictions. We'll start with the Junior circuit:
Mets def. Dodgers, 3-2
It's just a shame Pedro's done for the postseason, I was dying to see Grady's reaction when Willie Randolph takes him out in the 7th after 104 pitches. Would Grady shake his head? Get that same look John Candy has when he rides the rollercoaster at the end of Vacation? Anyway, the Mets will take this one but I could see Lowe and the Dodgers at least making it interesting. Of course if the series sways in any capacity hinging on a coach's decision, the Dodgers are deader than Steve Irwin. The LA papers should just start calling Grady “Stingray” and get it over with.
Padres def. Cardinals, 3-0
I realize, Nate, you and I are the only assholes who get nauseous when told of the genius of Tony LaRussa. At gunpoint, I can't even recall who the Padres coach is, but I still think he's better than Captain Three Pitchers for Three Hitters. Besides that though, there's something about a LaRussa team that seems like they're all very detached. Remember when Jeff Suppan ran the bases like a dyslexic Desert Storm vet during the 2004 World Series? LaRussa and Co. had the exact same expression when Pujols hit that series-saving moonshot off Lidge last year. How's that possible? These guys are about as emotional as the narrator of a calculus audio textbook. They can't win.
Here are my predictions for the ALDS:
Yankees def. Tigers, 3-1
Boy, for awhile there it looked like the ChiSox could sue Detroit for copyright infringement. From being the best team in baseball and relying on pitchers who were always adequate but suddenly became great to veterans having career years to a coach with the personality of a landmine, right down to playing like crap in September and unknowingly creating a divisional race. Only thing is, the Tigers didn't shit on the Twins' dreams and now Detrot's headed to baseball's version of the Amityville House while Minny gets the As. I think the Yankees are super-overrated, but give credit where it's due, to play as well as they did with a $210 million payroll, and having to play so long with only $180 of that in tact, that's sensational. Disney should make a movie about them called “Meeting Financial Expecations.” I'd see it. That squeaky Asian guy from “Heroes” could play Chien-Mien Wang.
Minnesota def. Oakland, 3-2
This is the one I feel the crappiest about. Oakland is trotting out Zito-Haren-Loaiza-Harden and the Twinkies have Santana and a guy named Boof. Boof! Is Poo still in triple-A? I heard Queef's been coming along nicely. Anyway, if Oakland had any semblance of offense beyond Big Hurt, I'd pick them. Plus, my stats could be off, but the Twins are something like 92-3 since June, so that's got to count for something.
All right DeGraaf, it's on you. Give me your picks and the answers to these fun questions.
1. Give me the starting nine on your All-Gay team. We can assume third base and SS currently own homes in the Upper East Side of New York, but what else?
2. You've recently come into money and will start an expansion baseball team. Name the city (one that does not currently house an MLB team), team nickname and stadium name. Bonus points for a Pink Taco reference.
From Nathan DeGraaf
Rebello, we need to clear something up here and now. There are a lot of people reading this who are actually still learning about sports. So, when you call the NL the Junior Circuit (an obvious jab at the crappiness of the NL this year), you're teaching them wrong. The National League came first. That's why the pitchers still hit there: so people can remember what baseball should be like.
Let's get to your questions in reverse order.
2. New Orleans deserves a baseball team. But they need a while (like five or more years) to rebuild from Katrina. And, I've always thought that Vegas needs a professional team. But if they ended up getting a baseball team, the resulting volume of “Pete Rose should manage them” jokes would make me regret putting a team there. And, since baseball has more than enough teams in America and because Canadians don't really care for the sport, I would put an MLB team in Mexico City. Just imagine having a team in a city where it's not safe to drink the water or breathe the air. Imagine ESPN having to send a crew into the heart of Mexico City. Better yet, imagine Joe Buck casually mentioning, during a Fox Game of the week, that Tim McCarver was unavailable because he got dysentery from a street vendor's burrito. The entertainment possibilities are endless. Anyway, their nickname would be El Hombres and their stadium would be called The Crap Taco. How can you go wrong?
1. My all Gay team? Dude, your political incorrectness knows no bounds. What the hell, I'll play.
Pitcher?Boof Bonser
I mean, with a name like Boof?
Catcher?A.J. Pierzynski
He's hiding something. You can just tell.
First Base?Nomar Garciaparra
I just don't believe he's straight. I mean, his wife is one of the best female soccer players in the world (read: lesbian), he appeared shirtless on the cover of Sports Illustrated and then there's the whole “thank you beautiful” commercial. And that's not even mentioning all his sulking near the end of his time with the Red Sox.
Second Base?Jeff Kent
Something about his mustache. I just don't know.
Third Base?Alex Rodriguez
Enough said.
Short Stop?Jhonny Peralta
Besides the misspelling of a classic name like Johnny (I mean, what the hell?were his parents drunk when he was born), there's also something about him that seems a little bit, umm, peculiar.
Left Field?Barry Bonds
For two reasons here: his girly voice and his bitchy attitude. (Side note: I'll bet he's the only athlete whose presence on this list is actually an insult to homosexuals).
Center Field?Jim Edmonds
I hate putting a Cardinal on this list, but well, I have a lot of friends in St. Louis and they hear things. What can you do?
Right field?JD Drew
He's repressing it right now, but he'll figure out how gay he is in time.
Anyway, on to the picks.
Dodgers def Mets 3-2
I'm making this pick because of my buddy Asian Aaron (or AA as we call him at The Local Pub). AA promised his dad that if the Dodgers won the NL pennant, he would fly back to LA and watch every game of the World Series with his estranged father. Fuck TNT, that's drama right there. And, since we're here, allow me to say that the only way the Dodgers are winning this series is if they somehow manage to tie up Grady Little and lock him in the clubhouse. Honestly, I don't know how that man keeps finding work and being relatively successful. He's the Forrest Gump of baseball.
Cardinals def Padres 3-2
Tony LaRussa is not a genius. He's a great regular season manager. He plays to matchups and he keeps a team focused during a long and often difficult season. In the post season, however, his big brain and small heart have no business. Nevertheless, I think the ‘Birds win this one solely because I went up to The Tampa Brickyard after we clinched the division thanks to a Houston loss (saddest way to win a division ever, by the way), ate a steak and, while I was wondering how the Cards would fare, heard the song “The Heat is On” come over the stereo system. You'd have to be a Cardinals' fan to understand.
Tigers def Yankees 3-0
Hey, a man can dream. But seriously, has there been a more fun team to watch this year than Leyland's boys? The Detroit Tigers are like the crazy party-girl who fucks every guy she hangs out with, chain smokes and has too many tattoos: you know you'd never consider her for the long run, but you love having her around.
Minnesota def Oakland 3-2
God, I hate agreeing with you. But you're right. No one's been hotter than the Twins lately. Now, if someone could just let their fans in on the secret?
All right, I'm gonna throw both of those questions back at you (they were pretty good) and if you could answer the following one as well, I'd be much obliged.
If you had to cut four teams from the MLB who would they be and why? I'm going with Tampa Bay, Denver, Arizona and Atlanta because of the pathetic fans in Arizona, Tampa Bay and Atlanta and because baseball just doesn't belong in the Rocky Mountains.
I love the post season, man. I mean, I know few people read it when we do this, but this is way more fun than busting out five hundred words about the time I accidentally shot cum all over a girl's art project.
Yeah, I think I'm ending on that note.