Luanne: Why don't you want to get married?
Me: There's nothing in it for me.
Luanne: Excuse me? What the hell does that mean?
Me: Getting married used to mean that a man would get to have sex with a woman he loves, have someone clean up after him, cook his food, wash his clothes and raise his kids. Now, it just means that he has to live with a bloody vagina and risk losing half his shit.
Luanne: Wow, you are one shitty human being.
Me: Hey, you asked.
Luanne: You shouldn't get married to get something out of it. You should get married because you love someone.
Me: Yeah well, you get married for your reasons, and I won't get married for mine. How about that?
Luanne: I really hate you sometimes.
Larry: The thing is babe, I want to be married. I just don't want to get married. I mean, the ceremony and all that crap. I just don't see the point.
Cheri: Yeah well, too bad so sad. See you at church, Hubby.
Steve: Let me tell you about marriage, son. When I met my wife, I was twenty four years old, didn't owe a dime to anybody and didn't have a care in the world. Fifteen years later, I'm a hundred grand in debt, I have three mouths to feed and all of them spend the bulk of their time complaining. And you want to know something? I'm happy. The pathetic thing is, I'm actually happy.
Me: So, knowing what you know now, you would definitely do it again?
Steve: Oh, no fucking way. Are you kidding me?
Aaron: Well, I'm doing it. I'm sticking my balls in a safe and handing her the only key.
Me: I didn't realize you were so kinky.
Aaron: I'm biting the big one, Junior. I'm calling in the steeds. I'm tying myself to a ball and chain.
Me: Sheila's really into all that bondage stuff, huh?
Aaron: I'm getting married, dumbass.
Me: So you're getting married, and I'm the dumbass? I think someone's facts ain't straight.
Aaron: Whatever happened to, ‘congratulations'?
Me: He got a divorce.
Jesse: Man, marriage ain't all that bad. I tell my woman what to do and she does it. You just gotta find the right girl. You know?a girl who knows her place?
Me: Dude, if you rule the house, then why are we standing in the freezing cold smoking these cigarettes? Why don't we go inside?
Jesse: Because my wife would castrate me.
Me: Yeah. Fuck marriage.
Chip: I mean, I love Stephanie. I just wish the family would quit asking me when I'm gonna marry her.
Me: You've been together nine years and you have two kids.
Chip: What's your point?
Labels: snippets