Me: Thanks for picking me up from the airport. I appreciate it.
Chip: You should.
Me: It's good to be home.
Me: My mom always ends our phone conversations by saying “I love you” if I'm in Tampa, but never when I'm in St. Louis.
Chip: Well, when you're in Tampa she probably figures that each time you talk may be the last time she ever sees you again, but here she knows you're safe driving with me.
Me: Yeah, that's it.
Chip: Hand me a beer.
Me: Sure.
Me: Hey, Mom. Good to see you.
Mom: Good to see you, too.
Me: How you been?
Mom: Oh, I've been fine… You know, I think you need to apologize to Stoner Chick?
Me: Okay, we are not gonna be talking about my writing this Christmas.
Mom: I'm just saying that Stoner Chick seems like a real nice person.
Me: Do you really want grandkids that bad?
Mom: Umm?
Brother Jay: I'm starting to think that just about every thing Mom does or says over Christmas is meant to remind us that we've never given her grandkids.
Me: Starting to think?
Brother Jay: She does that to you a lot?
Me: Dude, I think she'd be happy if I knocked up a one legged prostitute at this point.
Brother Jay: That is so wrong.
Me: What do you mean? You don't think she'd be happy with that?
Brother Jay: No, she'd be happy with that. I just think the one-legged prostitute thing was over the line.
Me: Gotcha.
Eli: Hey, Happy Birthday.
Me: Hey, Merry Christmas.
Sister Tiffany: Doesn't that suck? He never has to thank you when someone wishes him a happy birthday; he always has a holiday comeback.
Me: Just one of the many perks of being born on Christmas.
Me: Thanks for the box of Wheaties, Jay.
Brother Jay: Hey, you said you wanted something with 2006 World Series Champion St. Louis Cardinals on it. You got it.
Me: Real nice.
Brother Jay: Shut up and eat your Wheaties.
Me: So you have to get money from your fiance'e to go out?
Ryan: I am a kept man.
Me: That's awesome.
Ryan: Yeah, we're actually just getting married so I can put her in a lower tax bracket.
Me: Nothing like love.
Labels: snippets