For those of you expecting me to finish my road journal, I suppose you underestimated my aversion to staleness. I might return to it later, but today a much more important topic emerges.

As a humorist, I take comedy seriously… you could even call me an elitist, and I can't necessarily deny it. But when you love something this much, you don't just sit around and let people butcher it on a daily basis. I know people are trying, comedy is hard. I respect anyone who makes a decent effort at it. However there are those out there who whether for money, fame, or desperation, are letting stale, unfunny material live on in an unnatural undead state. Like a serial killer gleefully rolling in the entrails of his victim, you brutalize the name of Humor and wear his skin around like a Ass in Comic's Clothing. It's time these jokes are put to rest, and allowed to go to joke heaven. Where they always get laughs, and never have to explain themselves.

Ninjas, Pirates, and Jesus jokes- Oh look a Ninja dueling a Pirate while Jesus watches and drinks. How anachronistic! Unfortunately, so is the humor. These things are Get Funny Quick schemes. People think they can just toss these around and people will love them enough to get their own sitcom. The sad part is that it's somewhat true.

Bush jokes- Politics aren't inheirently funny. In fact they're somewhat dry and boring. So unless you're willing to put in a John Stewart level of committment to your latest Bush-bashing, peel off that bumper sticker, and vote for a candidate who makes a law against you opening your mouth. Don't think this is a biased opinion either, “Kerry is a Fairy” doesn't do much for me either. That reminds me…

Blue Collar Comedy- I don't believe in people who aim to please the lowest common denominator. Try this out… If one of your jokes involves the phrase “Thong underwears,” Youuuuuuuu might not have a career soon. Not saying these guys can't be funny (Ron White isn't half bad) they just choose not to be.

Bad Credit and The White People are CRAZY jokes- Comic View, I'm looking at you. Don't get me wrong, make fun of whites all you want, but there still has to be a joke in there somewhere. Not just a lot of yelling and saying “Do ya'll feel me?”

Here's the difference, jokes- Whether it's MEN and WOMEN, BLACKS/WHITES, MARRIED/SINGLE, anytime a comic says the words, “You know what the difference between … is?” I cringe and hope to god that the juice is worth the squeeze. More often than not I'm left thirsty.

Napoleon and Movie quoters- I'm sorry, but this has turned into one big Flippin' mess. I didn't like ND that much when it came out, and it's only gotten worse since then. Now I love quoting movies too, but I think some guidelines are in order:
– If you cannot say the line without 90% accuracy, leave it to the pros.
– You must have a written list of favorite movies, and only allowed to quote those movies.
– As proof you are not following the crowd, you must own either own the movie, or have watched it within the last 2 weeks.

Random Humor- It better be damn random (i.e. unexpected and unforced) for it to be truly funny, and even then it's always best to tie it back somehow. If you want to be a master of abstraction that's fine, but consider my response to be just as “Random.”

Old School images- If you're still using that Leave It To Beaver-esque 50's artwork while putting naughty words in their mouth, Like “Beer: Helping people get laid” for instance. Then I imagine you're also putting words into others mouths such as “I love your humor so much.” when they're really not saying anything at all, but rather contemplating whether the aftertaste of self-induced vomiting would be worth seeing you drenched in their own bile.

Well I guess I've run out. Don't worry, there'll be more soon as people are constantly turning new good jokes into old bad ones. If you thought I was harsh, sorry. A lot of this is merely my opinion, and I'd even say that there is one exception to almost every rule up there.

If you disagree, feel free to drop me a line…