Some weeks just suck ass. Some weeks kick off with a crappy work day, an oh for four on receiving callbacks from girls you met over the weekend, a broken vacuum cleaner, and $100 in gambling losses (to bring you to the point where you're now officially breaking even in life). Some weeks, you spend your nights at home, drinking rum and cokes by yourself and replaying your DVD of Busch Stadium's most memorable moments. Some weeks can go fuck themselves.
Some weeks, you write incoherent, half-drunk blog posts that no one enjoys (including a snippets feature that was originally labeled as “Not Good Enough to Make Your Book”). Some weeks, you end up getting a cold two Fridays after writing about how you almost never get sick (thanks Karma, you ass). Some weeks, you're writing's so weak that Nick “That Piece Doesn't Count Because I wrote it Stoned” Gaudio is criticizing you in your comment box. Some weeks, to borrow a phrase from my old little league coach, “you just don't have it.”
So you finish up your crappy, overworked Friday and you say to yourself, “fuck going out; fuck women; fuck life; fuck writing; I'm not doing shit next week.” And you pass out on the couch after a Saturday spent drinking rum, listening to Miles Davis and wondering how much worse the Tampa Bay Buccaneers can get.
And then there's a knock on your door.
And standing on your generic welcome mat (my welcome mat just says “Welcome” on it because I am very lame) is a beautiful, thin blond woman with kinky hair, bloodshot eyes and two Starbuck's coffees in her slender hands.
“You ready to pick football games, again?” she asks.
And for some reason that you just can't figure out, all your passion for living and writing re-inflate in your hungover head, and much like Paul Newman at the end of “Color of Money”, you're back.
And you're ready to pick them games again.
Home teams in CAPS.
Ravens (+3) over CHIEFS
“Aww,” said stoner chick. “That's like the cutest thing you've ever written about me. So I rejuvenate you, huh? Nate, I never pegged you for a softy.”
Just pick the damn game, already.
“Okay, I'm picking the Ravens because they've been really lucky and it takes luck to win in Arrowhead Stadium.”
Falcons (-3) over BUCS
“This pick just makes me sooo sad,” said Stoner Chick. “But this is one of the worst Bucs teams ever. And that's saying a lot. I think they should wear the old creamsicle colored uniforms just so like, they could pay oh madge to the old days.”
She meant to say “homage” but I don't think she's ever heard the word before. Lately, Stoner Chick's been reading.
“Don't write that, asshole? Just because I don't know how to pronounce it doesn't mean I don't know what it means. I brought you coffee, dick!”
Vikings (+1) over LIONS
“I don't get why some teams get to be named for entire states. How come the Minnesota Vikings get to be for the whole state while the Lions are only for Detroit? That doesn't seem fair.
“I thought it was really strange but then Asshole Butter over here told me that both North and South Carolina have one team that they root for. And also that the Patriots technically represent a whole bunch of states because they're named for all of New England. I think the Tampa Bay Buccaneers should change their name to the West Florida Bucs just to see what the league says. I mean, why not, right?”
Asshole Butter?
Titans (+1) over TEXANS
“I was gonna pick the Texans again because I felt bad about last week, but then Lube Job over here told me about the Vince Young bandwagon so I jumped on.
“By the way, Nate's now putting cre`me pomade in his hair. He said he got the idea from some guy that writes for PIC but I don't believe him.”
Get my back here, Curtiss.
Giants (+3) over PANTHERS
“So the Panthers play for both North and South Carolina, but the team is in North Carolina. I'll bet that makes South Carolina so sad.”
Honestly, how in the hell did I end up with this gig?
COWBOYS (-7) over Saints
“My friend Linda told me that Jessica Simpson dated Tony Romo because Matt Leinart wouldn't date her because he's friends with Nick Lachey and he didn't want to hurt their friendship. But she still wanted to date a megastar quarterback and since she was from Texas, Romo was a nice fit. What's up with that look, Grease Knob?”
When they find me dead in the trunk of a car at some airport long-term parking lot, I want you to remember that it was moments like this that led me to a life of crime.
JETS (-31/2) over Bills
“Sometimes I wonder why the Jets can't afford their own stadium. I mean, they're an NFL team. You'd think sometime in the last twenty years someone would have started saving up some cash for a new stadium for them. I asked Nate about this and he told me that the Jets were the Clippers of football. Then he sneezed in his coffee. Then he drank it. I don't care if it's his own snot or not; that's disgusting. Oh, and in case you didn't know, the Clippers are a basketball team and they share a stadium with the Lakers, only in basketball they're not called stadiums.”
We're all clear on that right? Basketball players do not play in stadiums. The Nate Way is nothing if not educational.
Colts (-1) over JAGUARS
“I have to go to Jacksonville to visit my aunt for Christmas because she's bedridden and can't go anywhere. I hate Jacksonville. It smells and all the bars close at one in the morning. That's too soon.”
Eagles (-11/2) over REDSKINS
“You guys, I just saw Lil' Tony, Nate's lizard roommate. For a while, I thought it was something that Nate just made up but he's on the wall in front of us, right now. At first I was like, ‘oh no, you better get a paper towel and let that little guy get out' and then Nate just looked up and said, ”sup, Tony.' Sometimes Nate is just too cute for words.”
I know what you're thinking and you can fuck off.
BENGALS (-101/2) over Raiders
“Before I left for work Saturday, my dad and I were eating breakfast and watching Sports Center and it turns out that another Bengal got arrested, this time for DUI. Nate said that was the eighth Bengal to get arrested this year. I asked him if that was a lot and he told me that he'd have to consult his statistics, but he thinks it may be the most arrests for any NFL team in a single year. We're looking into it?er, he's looking into it.”
DOLPHINS (+3) over Patriots
“Nate told me to make this pick. I think it's stupid. We put a side bet on it. Girls, if the Patriots cover this game, you are gonna be so happy. I don't want to spoil the surprise or jinx myself or anything, but trust me, this bet is juicy.”
49ERS (-41/2) over Packers
“I'm gonna miss Brett Favre, but there are some hunky QBs to take his place. There's Brady and Leinart and Romo, now. So maybe it's time Brett retire.”
Seriously, this is why I get up in the morning right here.
Seahawks (-3) over CARDINALS
“I hate picking bald quarterbacks, but well, Leinart still has a lot to learn. About football that is.”
Broncos (+71/2) over CHARGERS
“I was gonna pick the Chargers, but then Nate got to talking about how underdogs are covering and how the line moved a lot this week and he has some dumb theory or something so I figured, ‘he's sick, so I'll humor him.'”
What a sweetheart.
Bears (-6) over RAMS
“I learned on Sports Center that the Bears back-up quarterback took half of his snaps with the first team in like, preparation for this game. So I guess that if Grossman has another lousy game, the Bears can pull him midway through and let their defense do the work. I think that's smart. So I'm picking them.”
Now, if you'll excuse us, I have to convince Stoner Chick that I'm healthy enough to take her out for brunch. And quite frankly, I'm sick of being cooped up in here.
Happy Sunday, peoples. Happy Sunday.
Last Week (counting Thursday): 7-9
Overall Record: 84-99-9
Labels: NFL_picks