Me: Dad, Mom says I'm supposed to ask you for some kind of Garnet ring or something. She says it's my birthright.
Dad: I don't know if you're ready for that. You don't take care of stuff. Remember what happened to my grandfather's watch?
Me: Dad, I was six at the time.
Me: I just don't see how a person can get grossly fat.
Kevin: I can see how they get fat, but what I hate are the excuses. They always say things like, “I tried losing weight but it didn't work,” and that's just bullshit. I mean, it's real easy to lose weight.
Me: Yeah, you just take in less calories than you burn.
Kevin: Exactly. It's fucking math. When a fat person tells you they tried to lose weight, what they're basically telling you is that they failed math.
Me: No wonder so many fat people are stupid.
Chip: I can't believe that was your first time driving a boat.
Me: Well, I've been on a lot of them, but no one would ever let me drive.
Chip: Yeah, I can see that. Five years ago, I wouldn't have let you drive my boat, either.
Me: So, I'm mature now, huh?
Chip: I wouldn't go that far, dude.
Stripper: Your friend seems uptight.
Me: He's a little paranoid.
Stripper: About what?
Me: Everything: God, government, processed cheese? everything.
Stripper: That's no way to go through life.
Me: I agree.
Stripper: You want a lap dance?
Me: You ever think about getting your kid into modeling?
Chip: Yeah, every now and again I wonder about ways I could exploit him for cash but it just doesn't seem right.
Me: I don't know, dude. It's not like he's paying the bills.
Chip: True.
Me: Yeah, so these are my statistics. That's return visitors, that's unique visitors and that's total number of hits.
Kevin: Dude, you could start a cult.
Me: What is wrong with you?
Kevin: I'm not saying that you would start a cult, I'm just saying that if you were so inclined, you could pull it off.
Me: Good to know.
Doug: So, my little girl's mother probably has a warrant out for her arrest.
Kevin: Drugs?
Doug: No, failure to pay child support.
Me: You know, you never hear about the deadbeat moms of this world. It's kind of refreshing to know they're out there.
Doug: My ass.
Darren: I'm gonna invent a perpetual motion machine.
Me: No you won't.
Darren: Maybe I won't, then.
Steve: Way to stifle his creativity, dick.
Me: Dude, there's no way that Darren's gonna invent a perpetual motion machine. It's impossible.
Steve: Nothing's impossible. Not even perpetual motion.
Me: That may be true. But I think that Darren inventing a perpetual motion machine is impossible. I mean, what kind of odds would you put on that?
Steve: Good point.
Darren: Fuck you guys.
Labels: snippets