Les: Lately, I been fucking a lot of fat chicks.
Me: Why on Earth would you do such a thing?
Les: You mean besides the fact that it's easy as hell?
Me: Yeah.
Les: No reason.
Stoner Chick: We should go to the zoo.
Me: I hate the zoo.
Stoner Chick: Why?
Me: I hate seeing all the animals trapped like that.
Stoner Chick: Aww, that is so cute. Mr. Insensitive Asshole has a soft side. So like, what did you think of “The Notebook”?
Me: I thought it sucked.
Stoner Chick: You suck! That movie was awesome.
Me: You know how to get to Mulberry?
Random Guy: Yeah.
Me: You mind telling me?
Random Guy: A little bit.
Me: How do I get to Mulberry?
Random Guy: You really wanna know?
Me: You know, we could be done with this by now.
Random Guy: Yeah, but it wouldn't be nearly as funny.
Me: Good point.
Kate: What's your favorite movie?
Me: “Apocalypse Now.”
Kate: That's just disturbing. What's your second favorite?
Me: “Cum Guzzling Gutter Sluts 2.”
Kate: Goodbye.
Me: You know what a cosine is?
Jeff: You mean like, the cosine of mathematical fame?
Me: Yeah.
Jeff: It's not important.
Me: You sure?
Jeff: Positive. You'll never use it in your life, whether you understand it or not.
Me: Why not?
Jeff: I don't know. You just never do anything that complicated.
Me: Yeah, you're probably right.
Mike: Who's that guy that keeps leaving all caps comments in your comment box?
Me: No idea.
Mike: I like him. He adds to the overall charm of the blog.
Me: You just like it when people give me shit.
Mike: Yeah well, who doesn't?
Steve: Who's your favorite of The Three Stooges?
Me: Curly. Gotta be Curly.
Steve: You know, they say that if Curly's your favorite then you're likely of extrovert and amiable character.
Me: Who says?
Steve: You know, the people who define character traits by stooges.
Me: I don't place much value in their opinions.
Steve: That's probably a smart idea.
Me: So who's your favorite stooge?
Steve: Shemp.
Me: Shemp? Who the fuck likes Shemp?
Steve: I like to root for the underdog.
Me: It's not a goddamn competition.
Steve: Yeah, tell that to Moe.
Mike: You guys talking about the Three Stooges?
Me: Yeah.
Mike: I always liked Larry the best.
Dave: I like Moe, you knucklehead? why I oughta?
Allison: That's enough of the Stooges bullshit?
Dave: Why?
Allison: Because it's only a matter of time before you guys start fighting like them.
Me: That's ridiculous. We're grown men.
Allison: Grown men who still fight over shotgun and arm wrestle for the remote?
Me: Oh, a wise girl, eh?
Dave: Poke her in the eye!
Allison: My boyfriend and his friends: the picture of maturity.
Dave: But baby, he bet me twenty bucks I couldn't clear that wall on the first time.
Allison: And did you?
Dave: What kind of question is that? You know I didn't.
Mike: Dude, pay up.
Allison: My mom told me they were all just large boys, but I never believed her?
Labels: snippets