Luke: Did you see that ass kicking?
Me: Yeah, Mike threw that dude around like he was a rag doll.
Luke: The last time I saw an ass kicking like that, a dude named Rodney King was making a name for himself.
Me: Yeah, that was a classic ass beating.
Luke: That was like a double-down, take-it-to-the-mat, you-lucky-to-be-alive, beating of the rear end.
Me: If that ass kicking were a sandwich, it would have been the greasiest, fattest Philly Cheese Steak you ever ate.
Luke: If that ass kicking were a drug, it would be crack laced with pcp.
Me: If that ass kicking was a fart, it would have been a shit.
Luke: If that ass kicking was a cartoon, it would have been Scooby Doo.
Me: What?
Luke: Dude, Scooby Doo kicked ass.
Me: Mike, what'd that guy do to piss you off?
Mike: He just wouldn't stop threatening me. He's a bouncer across the street from the bar I work at and he kept saying how we were all pussies and how they were all so tough. I don't know. I think he was in some kind of steroid rage. Anyway, I basically told him to step into my woodshed and prepare for a beat down, and he was dumb enough to put his neck on the chopping block.
Luke: Dude, I'm confused as hell right now.
Me: What's wrong?
Luke: Okay, “neck on the chopping block”?that's an expression that means like, he took a big risk, right?
Mike: Yeah.
Luke: But what's this about a woodshed?
Me: Dude, would you learn your colloquial terms?
Mike: Okay Nathan, I don't even know what that one means.
Bruce: Man, Mike. Why'd you fuck that guy up so bad?
Mike: He called your mother a prostitute and I had to defend her honor.
Bruce: Thanks.
Mike: Don't mention it. It's the least I can do for the mother of my kids.
Bruce: Funny.
Dave: So what was that all about, Mike?
Mike: I got tired of this dude saying what a shitty bartender you are, so finally I said, “Buddy, if you don't lay off David, I'm gonna have to take you to the shed.” And he said that you were a queer and he'd fight anyone who said otherwise. I don't know. I guess he's prejudice against gays or something.
Dave: You're not funny.
Lisa: Why did you have to beat that guy up, Mike?
Mike: I didn't want to do it. But the guy kept talking about how he beats his woman and how he's proud of it and everything. I couldn't stand it. So I told him to fight someone his own size. And maybe now he knows how she feels.
Lisa: Aww, you are so sweet.
Luke: Did Mike go home with Lisa?
Me: Yeah, he told her some bullshit about how he was standing up for the women of America when he beat up that dude.
Luke: And she bought it?
Me: Yeah. Women get turned on by watching two huge dudes beat the shit out of each other.
Luke: Makes sense.
Me: How so?
Luke: Well, we get all turned on when women fight.
Me: I never thought about it like that.
Luke: Like what?
Me: Fairly.
Labels: snippets