Luke: Who invented Valentine's Day?
Luke: Who invented Valentine's Day?
Dave: Hallmark.
Luke: Then who was St. Valentine?
Dave: What do I look like? A goddamn history book?
Luke: Not at all, dude. You look more like a chubby David Spade.
Me: Fuck, you know? he does.
Dave: Fuck you guys.
Luke: Nate, do you know who St. Valentine was?
Me: Yeah, he was this priest that married people even though it was against the law.
Luke: Why was it against the law?
Me: I don't know. Some king needed single guys for the army or something.
Luke: Why couldn't married men go to war then?
Me: I don't know.
Luke: Well that sucks.
Me: You know, you can Google these kinds of things.
Luke: Not without a computer.
Me: True.
Liz: What was your best Valentine's day ever?
Me: I was dating this German chick once and she didn't know what Valentine's Day was, so I just told her that it was a day that a couple spends together and does nice things for each other. So she made me dinner and we fucked. No gifts and no guilt. It was awesome.
Liz: That's fucking evil.
Me: What are you doing for Valentine's Day?
Dave: You mean, besides my wife?
Me: Yeah, I guess.
Dave: I'm getting my car's oil changed.
Me: You sentimental bastard.
Al: I hate Valentine's Day.
Me: It's a good day for random sex.
Al: How so?
Me: Dude, just go to a bar an hour or so from closing time and collect the desperate bitches. It's like fishing with dynamite. Well, I mean maybe it's not that fun?
Al: But few things are.
Joe: Have you actually been fishing with dynamite?
Me: Nope.
Joe: ‘Cause that does sound like a lot of fun.
Me: Yup.
Joe: I'll bet even my wife would like something like that.
Me: Now that's a Valentine's Day. Fishing with dynamite.
Joe: Beats the fuck out of candles and foot massages.
Me: I don't know. I enjoy a good foot massage.
Joe: I'm not touching your feet, dude.
Me: Happy Valentine's Day?
Alexis: Fuck you.
Me: Okay, but only because I know you're lonely and horny.
Alexis: I hope your entire gender gets their collective dicks crushed by stampeding elephants.
Me: Wow. I mean, that's some serious hate right there.
Jake: What's her problem?
Me: She wants elephants to trample our dicks.
Jake: I see. And how much does something like that cost?
Me: You just ain't right, hoss. Not at all.
Labels: snippets