It's 10 AM. It's St. Patrick's Day." />
It's 10 AM. It's St. Patrick's Day. It's the kick off of round 2 of the March Madness. To celebrate the basketball and my Irish heritage, I just popped my first beer of the day on an empty stomach. You see, I have to get this in before tip-off and I'm dedicated.
That's right. You heard me. Fucking dedicated.
And by the way, here's some trivia for you. The first time I was ever arrested was on a St. Patrick's Day 14 years ago. Alex Trebek probably won't ever answer you that question, but he's a snooty bitch anyway.
Now, before I get good and drunk, let's pick Round 2.
Midwest Region
The Sweet 16 leg of this particular tournament is being held in St. Louis, home of Lion's Choice Roast Beef, Imo's Pizza, toasted ravioli and Schlafly's beer. Oh yeah, and there's an arch there or something. I think I read about that once.
On to the picks.
Florida over Purdue
I mean, I don't think there's a team in the Midwest region that could hold the proverbial Bic lighter to the Gators. And it hurts picking against Purdue since I recently learned what's in a Boilermaker and how much they cost at your average pub. If I ever have a team, I'm definitely naming it after a stiff drink. The West Florida Screwdrivers has a nice ring to it, eh?
(Yeah, it's early. What do you want from me? I've got a life, you know.)
Butler over Maryland
Maryland is fixing to make me look bad, but the thing is, I just can't pick them for anything. Their offense is streakier than Lindsey Lohan's sex appeal.
Oregon over Winthrop
I could lie to you and tell you that I've seen either of these teams play before and that I have an opinion as a result. But that wouldn't be fair to either of us. And I dig the fair (that's where the caramel apples are).
UNLV over Wisconsin
I tried to watch Wisconsin play yesterday, but it wasn't pretty. In fact, if Wisconsin basketball was a chick, she'd be the fatty that gives great head, has a great personality and a lot of money. I mean, you know you could do a lot worse than her, but you just can't bring yourself to look at her.
West Region
I'm gonna lay off the San Jose jokes because I recently learned that Greg Kinnear starred in a movie that was shot in San Jose. Oh yeah, and apparently everyone who lives there is very rich and can totally fry my computer from 3500 miles away in about 4.6 seconds. So I'm sure that San Jose is awesome.
Kansas over Kentucky
No matter who wins, this is a huge deal to both states, as neither one of them actually have a professional team of any kind (note: the Royals and Chiefs play in Kansas City, Missouri in case you were curious).
Southern Illinois over Virginia Tech
First off, Saluki is fun as hell to say. And second off? okay, I got nothing. Go Salukis!
VCU over Pitt
It is fun as hell watching VCU play. And while we're here, where does VCU get off calling itself a Commonwealth University? What does that mean? Do all the students pool their cash together at the beginning of each semester and then divide it evenly amongst themselves? Is this some kind of communism thing? I need to know.
Indiana over UCLA
Make no mistake, this is a stupid pick. I am likely to be wrong. But I just can't help myself.
I'm not very smart.
East Region
This leg of the Sweet 16 is being held in East Rutherford, New Jersey, home of my friend, Jerry, who once grabbed me by the back of my shirt and kept me from getting squished by a New York City Bus. So, I'm gonna lay off the East Rutherford jokes, too. He likes it there. And I guess that's good enough for me.
UNC over Michigan State
There's nothing even remotely funny about this game or this pick.
Texas over USC
I get the feeling that Texas should kidnap their coach (Rick Barnes), lock him in a storage facility, and not let him out until they win the whole thing. Otherwise, Texas will probably end up losing in the Sweet 16 or Elite 8.
(And I'm not kidding. I believe that like I believe that all open container laws should be abolished. I mean, what the hell, right? It's my container.)
Washington State over Vanderbilt
I'm still disappointed that the Vanderbilt bar scene in Nashville wasn't cool enough to impress my buddy, Chip. I mean, the fucker went to college in Springfield, Missouri and Vanderbilt didn't impress him? I just can't pull for a team that offers that lame a bar scene.
Georgetown over BC
I have nothing to say about this pick, but since we're here, how awesome is it when the Madness and St. Patrick's day meet up? It's like, hello Mr. You're Encouraged to Get Wasted; I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Tournament Basketball is on All Fucking Day. I'm sure you two will get along.
South Region
My buddy Sean lives in San Antonio, which is hosting the South Region leg of the Sweet 16. The last time I visited Sean, I was with my Dad (my brother was stationed at Ft. Sam Houston at the time so we did a double visit). Anyway, Sean and I took my dad to a strip club where the following conversation took place.
Dad: Wow, her breasts are so firm. How does she get them to stay like that? She must really work out.
Me: Dad, they're fake.
Dad: Wow, I've never seen fake breasts before. I think I'll take a closer look.
Sean: That's your right as an American, Doc.
Good times, indeed.
Oh yeah, back to basketball.
Ohio State over Xavier
All right, I know this could never happen because of the salary cap in the NBA and all that but how cool would it be to see Oden and Durant on the same team? I say, “free beer and lobster” cool. Which, by the by, is pretty cool.
Tennessee over Virginia
For some strange reason it had to be?
Louisville over Texas A&M
I just realized that PIC's newest blogger, Roxy, lives in Louisville. I wonder if she gives a damn in the slightest who wins this. Hey, Roxy, do you give a damn in the slightest who wins this?
Oh, and while we're here, a note from my friend Kevin, loyal reader and basketball hater.
“I could not get through your March Madness post. I've read everything you've ever done on PIC, even your stupid poetry, but I could not bring myself to read your thoughts on fucking round ball. Just thought you'd want to know.”
The internet may be weird, but it's fun sometimes, too.
Nevada over Memphis
If the Conference USA were a chick, she'd be consistently late for dates, she'd make fun of you in public, and she'd give you herpes. Trust me, I went to South Florida.
And, in honor of St. Patrick's Day, I'm closing with my favorite cliche' Irish limerick.
May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
And when you die
May you arrive in heaven
A good hour before
The devil knows you're dead.
Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone.