Mark: Memorial Day is easier than Veteran's Day.
Me: Excuse me?
Mark: Why? Did you sneeze or something?
Me: Why do you think Memorial Day is easier than Veteran's Day?
Mark: Oh, you know. On Veteran's Day, you have to call up every veteran you know and thank them for serving, but on Memorial Day, you just say an all inclusive prayer and whamo, time to hit the bar.
Me: So, it's more convenient for you then?
Mark: For me, for you, for everyone. In fact, I would venture to guess it is the most convenient holiday out there.
Me: To convenience.
Mark: Cheers.
Me: She just broke up with me via text.
Craig: Via?
Me: Yeah, via. It means like, “by way of.”
Craig: That's a cool word. Via. I like that.
Me: Hey, I just got dumped over here. You want to focus on the problem at hand?
Craig: Dude, you two break up every week. I don't care anymore.
Me: It's not that we broke up that bothers me. What bothers me is that this time she did it by text.
Chris: Why didn't you say “by” instead of “via” last time?
Me: What fucking difference does it make?
Chris: I don't know. It just seems stupid to say “via” when you could have said “by.” Everyone understands “by.”
Me: Are you even listening to me?
Chris: Yeah. Too closely, even. I just don't see why you said “via.”
Me: Fine. I'm sorry I used a Latin word around you two retards.
Craig: Whoa. You don't have to get all personal.
Chris: No wonder I never heard via before. It's foreign.
Me: The point is, she broke up with me by texting me. That's insane.
Craig: Dude, she's a crazy MILF who picked you up at her son's ballgame, who wears hooker outfits for a living and who hates just about everything about you. Who cares? Because I know you don't.
Me: It's just the impersonal nature of our society that gets to me, okay crater face.
Craig: Whatever, baby dick.
Chris: I see what he's saying, kind of. Like, it used to be uncool to break up with people over the phone, and then it was uncool to break up on a voicemail or answering machine and now it's uncool to break up via text.
Me: Exactly. It doesn't say much about society.
Chris: So you mind if I bang her?
Me: Go to it, dude.
Chris: I love you, Nate
Labels: snippets