Me: So why the hell did you move out here to the suburbs, Mike?
Mike: My friend got a house out here.
Me: And what? You just came with the house?
Mike: Yeah, it's one of those special packages. Like, you know how some prostitutes come with crabs?
Me: Jesus.
Mike: Yeah, well I'm like one of those crabs. Only I'm bigger and generally more welcome.
Me: Generally?
Mike: Well, you know, I can't speak for everyone when it comes to pubic lice or crabs. Some people are kinky.
Me: True.
Me: It's just? there are no college girls out here. It's all high school girls and young, married women.
Mike: Yeah, but I'm fine with that. I mean, high school girls taste like fucking fresh, spring water. You know what I'm saying?
Me: I've missed you, Mike.
Mike: I know you have, Buddy.
Mike: So when what's her name gets here, remember, I am twenty five.
Me: You can pass for that. How old should I be?
Mike: Twenty two.
Me: Yeah. I can pass for twenty two.
Mike: You can pass for fucking twelve.
Me: Fuck you.
Me: You think you'll ever stop lying to girls?
Mike: Not until they stop lying to me.
Me: What do you mean?
Mike: Makeup, fake breasts, hair dye? it's all lies. Their fucking appearances are lies.
Me: That's pretty deep for you.
Mike: Yeah well, banging eighteen year old girls brings out the best in me. Hey, you want me to see if she has a friend?
Me: Only if the friend is of drinking age.
Mike: Why?
Me: It's one of my rules.
Mike: Since when?
Me: Three weeks ago.
Mike: That won't last.
Me: Fuck you.
Mike: You're telling me that if I brought you a smoking hot, eighteen year old girl who totally wanted you, that you would say no?
Me: Well?
Mike: Yeah, that's what I thought. You're a filthy liar, Nathan. You're the worst kind of liar 'cause you lie to yourself.
Me: Wow. Again with the depth. You been watching Oprah or something?
Mike: A little bit. I'm all about the self growth.
Me: The self growth?
Mike: The self growth and you know, the hot eighteen year old chicks.
Me: You're going to hell.
Mike: Yeah well, at least we'll still get to hang out.
Mike: Here she comes now.
Me: Wow. That's nice, right there.
Mike: Dude, if you get a chance, smell her skin.
Me: How would I get that chance?
Mike: What? I gotta think of everything.
Labels: snippets