Stoner Chick promised she'd show up to try to finish our NFC preview by 2PM and then surprised the shit out of me by showing up around 10AM. I've said it before and I'll say it again: for a lazy, pothead teenager, she really is an early riser.
Anyway, we just spent the last three or four hours (when I wasn't being interrupted by work) finishing up our review and well, we're very proud of it.
It does feel kind of good to have her back.
Anyway, let's smoke the NFC.
NFC North
Chicago Bears 
Nathan DeGraaf: The Bears are by far and away the team to beat in the NFC North. The Bears have a tight defense and are well coached by Lovie Smith who has coached on winning teams with the Buccaneers, Rams and now Bears. The only real problem this team faces, as a far as I can tell, is whether or not Rex Grossman will play like the guy who set the record for lowest QB rating in a game last year, or like the guy who set the league on fire for eight weeks last year. Grossman's like a crazy Columbian chick: you never know what you're gonna get from one day to the next. Still, I put them at 12 -4.
Stoner Chick: Did you hear how Brian Urlacher said that the woman raising his boy is turning the baby into a pussy? That's some bullshit right there. If some guy said that to me, I would be all like, “you raise the little shit then, asshole.” But I guess I wouldn't if the guy was as rich as Urlacher. Those little NFL bastards are like free rent, you know? Does Brady Quinn have a girlfriend?
NDG: I think he may be gay.
SC: Like freckly frosted fudge he is!
NDG: Are you stoned?
SC: Shut up.
Detroit Lions
NDG: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
No seriously, I could see this team at 6-10. It could happen.
SC: I've been thinking for like fifteen minutes [Nate's note: more like two] and I can't even name one Detroit Lion so I wanta use this time to ask all the girls a question:
How come black men have such consistently nice butts?
NDG: I can't tell you how happy I am to have you back.
SC: It's cool. I know I light up your life.
Green Bay Packers
NDG: This may finally be Brett Favre's last season. Much like a child shielding his eyes from the scary parts of a movie, I can't watch this anymore. I mean, it's just too horrible. Watching Brett Favre throw into triple coverage in the last two minutes of a tight game is no longer funny. I got them at 4-12 with the hope that Favre hangs up his cleats and lets someone else steer the cheese boat for a while. Free Aaron Rodgers. This is getting ridiculous.
SC: Brett Favre is hot and hot athletes should get to stick around as long as they want. So there! And you're just jealous because you probably won't still be blond when you're forty years old.
NDG: Yeah, that's it.
SC: Don't try to act all cool, asshole. I know you like being blond.
Minnesota Vikings 
NDG: Well, one thing is for sure. We know there ain't gonna be a wildcard coming out of the NFC North. The Vikings have made a lot of changes (and Peterson looks awesome at RB) but we'll see if they really pay off. I say 8-8 with a lot of optimism.
Time for a brief history lesson: the largest population of Swedes and Norwegians in America is in Minnesota. Swedes and Norwegians are accused of having once been Vikings. The Minnesota football team is called the Vikings. I can think of no other NFL team that is named after the European heritage of a significant portion of its fan base. I think that's neat.
SC: You would think that's neat but no one normal really gives a shit. I think the Vikings are gonna surprise a lot of people this year. I could even see them making the playoffs.
NDG: And what are you basing this on?
SC: The fact that you wore a purple shirt yesterday.
NDG: I'm not following you.
SC: It's a cosmic thing, Nate. You wouldn't get it.
NFC South 
Atlanta Falcons
NDG: 2-14. That's right, I said two and fourteen. Coach Petrino is gonna do his best to cough up this season so he can be reunited with his old QB from Louisville (who enters the draft next year). The end of Michael Vick is the beginning of the Brian Brohm era in Atlanta. Print this page out, get out a sharpie and mark my words.
SC: What kind of a sick motherfucker fights dogs? I mean, imagine the kind of person who could just sit and watch two dogs tear each other to pieces and not be sad in the slightest. That's the kind of asshole who would rape a woman?oh shit.
NDG: What?
SC: I think killing a bunch of dogs might be worse than rape.
NDG: I don't think so. What makes you think that?
SC: I mean, if someone said to me that I had two choices: that I could be raped or someone could kill my dogs, I would have to choose rape.
NDG: You don't have any dogs.
SC: That's not the point, Shiteater.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
NDG: Up at the Smokey Pool Hall last night, I debated the upcoming season with two random Bucs fans. (Side note: when you hear people singing the praises of Jeff Garcia and Luke McCown, you know your season is shot to shit.) After pushing aside my optimism, I realized that this is a 7-9 team with no quarterback and an underdeveloped defense. So it goes and all that.
SC: You're such a negative person sometimes. I mean, can't you just tell that [defensive coordinator] Monte [Kiffin] is gonna whip the defense into shape by week five? Can't you see Garcia and McCown and even Gradkowski leading us to the playoffs? This is a ten win team. Go Bucs!
NDG: I love how SC never lets realism get in the way of her loyalty to the home team. Next thing you know, she'll be handing the Devil rays the American League wildcard.
New Orleans Saints
NDG: Best team in the NFC. 13-3 will be their record and they'll be playing either the Seahawks or the Bears for the NFC championship. I never thought I would ever get to utter the phrase, “The Saints are the best team in the NFC” but I just did. Clearly, this is not the world in which I was raised.
SC: I miss winter. It's too hot.
NDG: Focus, would you? We're onto the Saints.
SC: Whatever, Chubmuncher. The Saints always beat us and I hate them. Even when we won the Super Bowl, they beat us twice that year. They're a bunch of jerks and I hate them.
NDG: Analysis like this is hard to come by, ain't it?
Carolina Panthers 
NDG: David Carr is free from the inept clutches of the Houston Texans. Honestly, I think now that the kid has a decent offensive line, we may get to see one hell of QB at play if Delhomme starts to suck or gets injured. The thing is, few teams have two decent QBs to go to and a lot of players get injured so the Panthers may be a pretty good team this year. It's tough to guess but I'll go ten wins and a wildcard.
SC: Chumbucket over here just spent like two hours with clients so I went over to one of the other computers and tried to decide who was cuter: David Carr or Jake Delhomme. It's totally Carr. He's like tall, dark and handsome and Delhomme looks like a geekier Eli Manning. It's a good thing that men don't place much value on other men's looks because women would never let an ugly chick lead them into anything. They'd be all like, “Why should I do what you say? Your roots have been showing for almost a whole month!”
After I finished with the computer, I got bored and went and started walking in the mini-mall around here. Nate and I met when I used to work at the pizza place next door so I went by and said hi to the owners and they offered my job back. And I was thinking, that would be like totally full circle you know. Like, to go from the pizza place, to being a waitress in South Tampa, to being a kept woman in Sarasota (which is awesome by the way. All women should spend at least a few months expected to do nothing but fuck and suck?it's relaxing as hell) and then back to the pizza place. At first I was gonna say no but I'm keeping my options open so I'll think about it.
NDG: You done?
SC: No. I should tell everyone that I am now not taking the job because that means I would have to work next door to you again and I like to limit how close I work to dorks.
NDG: Aww, you're hurting my feelings.
SC: Which one?
NDG: Funny.
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks 
NDG: This is probably the only team in the division that will finish up over .500. The Seahawks are an underrated team with a potent offense and a very competent defense. I could see them going 12-4 and then losing to either the Bears or Saints in the playoffs.
SC: Bald quarterbacks are a horrible idea and the NFL should make a rule that hibits them from playing.
NDG: Hibits? You mean, prohibits?
SC: It's the same thing.
NDG: No it's not. Prohibits is a word in the English language; hibits is not a word in the English language.
SC: Yeah, well you're a cumstain in the English language.
NDG: Did you run out of pot or something? What is your problem?
SC: I was living in a four bedroom house a mile from the beach and I had a cleaning lady and a rich boyfriend and now I'm back in my old bedroom at my parents house. I have no money and all my old friends are away at college. I think that would even bother you, Mr. Iron Feelings.
NDG: What happened with that relationship anyway?
SC: Umm? let's just say that getting drunk and doing body shots off a hot bodybuilder from South Carolina is no way to keep your boyfriend happy. 
NDG: Slut.
SC: Fuck you! It was a perfectly innocent mistake.
NDG: You want to get back to football or what?
St. Louis Rams
NDG: On paper, these guys have one of the best offenses in the league. But the same was said about this team last year. At the risk of pissing off my dad, I'm going 8-8 for the Rams this year.
SC: I'm still pissed about the Bert Emmanuel rule. I hope Shawn King sets fire to the Rams stadium.
San Francisco 49ers
NDG: This is ESPN the Magazine's sleeper team, so uhh, 6-10 seems like a good bet.
SC: It's funny that Steve Young is old.
NDG: No it isn't.
Arizona Cardinals 
NDG: The second worst team in the league this year behind Atlanta. I just don't understand why Bill Bidwell is still allowed to own a team. Any team. Anywhere. For any reason. I got 'em at 4-12.
SC: I wonder how much that female basketball player gets a month for having Matt's baby. I'll bet she'll never have to work again in her life. And she gets a totally athletic kid. I mean, how awesome is that? What? Quit looking at me like that, Jagoff Smirnoff!
NDG: And that concludes our NFC preview. A preview of the NFC East is right below you if you want to read it. On behalf of Stoner Chick, I just want to thank you all for checking in.
SC: Bye everyone! We'll do the AFC this weekend, probably on Sunday. You know, it actually is nice to get to come back and do this again. I miss being funny on the internet.
NDG: So do I, SC. So do I.