Me: Excuse me, hoss. Got a phone call. Hello.
Amy: Guess who this is?
Me: Amy?
Amy: Yup. I'm up at this bar and I just met your ex-girlfriend, Lisa?you know, the one that broke you rib?
Me: How could I forget.
Amy: Yeah, she's really awesome.
Me: That's great.
Amy: Anyway, just wanted to tell you that. Bye.
Me: Bye.
Me: One of my ex-girlfriends is sitting up at a bar bullshitting with another of my ex-girlfriends. What do you think they're talking about?
Kris: Your dick.
Me: Well, at least they have something in common.
Kris: What?
Me: I said, at least they have something in common.
Kris: I know that. I asked what they have in common.
Me: My dick.
Kris: Oh yeah, I just said that didn't I?
Me: Yes, Kris. Yes you did.
Me: When are you gonna make an honest woman out of your girlfriend?
Court: What are you talking about, dude? She's like the most honest person I've ever known.
Me: It's an expression dude. Like, when you have sex out of wedlock, it means she has to lie to the church and when you marry her you make her honest 'cause she don't have to lie no more.
Court: What church?
Me: Fuck it. It's a dated expression anyway.
Court: Exactly.
Tiffany: Look, I have a kid and I work twenty hours a week. That's enough for anyone.
Me: My mom had three kids and worked like sixty hours a week.
Tiffany: Three kids? I'm not a slut.
Mark: Dude, that is fucked up right there.
Me: Kind of says something about the day and age we're living in, huh?
Mark: Yeah, it says we're totally screwed.
Mark: The problem with my female employees is they're always taking time off because of their families.
Me: Well, family comes first.
Mark: Yeah, but I mean, how can you bitch about making less money if you work less because of your family?
Me: I guess you can't.
Mark: But they still do.
Me: Okay, maybe you can.
Mark: You're messed up, Nate.
Lisa: So yeah, I met Amy up at this bar and she was all like, “Wow your boyfriend totally reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, Nate.” And I was all like, “Nate DeGraaf?” And she was like, “Yeah, do you know him?” And I was like, “Know him? I cracked his rib in bed.” She seems like a really neat chick, your ex.
Me: I'm glad you two hit it off.
Lisa: Me too. Hey, maybe the three of us should all go out for drinks one time.
Me: That sounds like a horrible idea.
Lisa: I think it'd be fun.
Me: Of course you do.
Labels: snippets