September 11, 2001 will live in infamy for all Americans. On that day, over three thousand Americans died at the hands of a bunch of (mainly) Saudi Arabian terrorists. It was an awful, awful day that ended up steering the country towards a murderous rampage while leaving many wives as widows, many husbands as widowers and many children as orphans. In short: not the best of days.
But hey, that doesn't mean it has to be a total downer.
Here are ten ways you can enjoy the anniversary of the day a country got super pissed off.
“Terrorists have already Won” Jokes
You know you hate them, you know they're too old and stale, but that doesn't mean that one day a year you can't pull them out of the closet and dust them off. When someone says that they won't do that next shot of tequila with you, you just look at them and with a straight face say, “If you don't do that shot, the terrorists have already won.” Basically, just insert a statement of what you would like someone to do and then inform them that if it is not done, the terrorists have already won. Sure, it's not all that funny, but it beats checking out the crazy rise in the price of Exxon stock all day.
Drinking Games
Everyone loves a good drinking game (except those who are forbidden alcohol consumption at the behest of Allah), and 9/11 is as good an excuse as any to get shnockered. Just turn on CNN, and every time you hear the words “tragedy”, “New York” and “Taliban” take a shot. Good times for all.
Barbecue
Hey, why not? It is September after all. Whip up some freedom fries, fire up some dirty pork, sit around drinking Jack Daniels and making fun of cultures that don't have the common sense to get the fuck out of the desert. Good times for all.
Osama Bin Laden Message Jams
Play all the old Bin Laden messages. Set them to music. Compare them. Argue about which ones are the most intimidating and motivating, criticize his turban choices and laugh at the irony that we've spent like a trillion dollars on this war and that dude's still checking into the fucking Baghdad Hilton with Travelers Checks.
The Defend your Reasoning Game
Okay, this one is a little bit geeky, but as your 9/11 party kicks off, this is an excellent way to break the ice and get everyone talking. Basically, you just put the three reasons we went into Iraq (WMDs, removal of Saddam Hussein, bringing freedom to the Iraqi people) into a hat, divide everyone up into groups of three, draw from the hat, and then try to defend the reason for invasion. If any person laughs while trying to defend their reason, they are out of the game. Last person to laugh wins.
Shoot Heroin and Smoke Opium
Opium prices are plummeting and the volume of crops has skyrocketed since the US government first occupied Afghanistan. Take advantage of this excellent time to be a junkie by shooting up at a discount price. If you shoot enough heroin and smoke enough opium, you may even offset the cost of rising gas prices. Talk about a deal.
Have Sex with 72 Virgins
This one is kind of self explanatory.
Throw an M-80 at an Arab
America has a long and storied tradition of dropping bombs on brown people who they recently provided with weapons. And what's more fun than fireworks? I mean, you're not really having a good time until you hand an Arab a squirt gun, then throw a lit M-80 at him as a preventative measure. Remember, if he attacks you back, he hates your freedom and is asking for a full-on bottle rocket war.
Send a US Soldier a Gift Package
Again, kind of self-explanatory?
Mess with an Army Recruiter
The Army is desperate for more soldiers at this point. So what you do is, you go into a recruiter's office and tell him/her you want to join. And then when you finally get to the part where you have to sign, start cackling maniacally and scream one of the following two lines.
If you're male, scream “Yes, I finally get a chance to participate in a homosexual gangbang!”
If you're female, scream, “Yes, I finally get a chance to pay all those American soldiers back for years of rape and abuse.”
9/11 is more than just a day in history. 9/11 was the defining moment of this millennium. It's our generation's JFK assassination. That does not mean that it has to be a bummer, though. In my opinion, 9/11 is the perfect day to cut loose and party like the free country we are. So enjoy this day. Get wasted and play games, fuck each other and get each other pregnant, play a few practical jokes and light fireworks.
Because if you don't, the terrorists have already won.
(Sorry, I couldn't resist.)