As most of you probably know, last night was Halloween. Also, water is wet and drunk people tend to think they're more attractive than they really are. Oh yeah, and Jesus loves you.
Anyway, last night I decided to go down to Ybor City and check out all the chicks in their slutty costumes. Ordinarily, I avoid clubs like the plague unless one of my friends is either a bouncer or one of the musicians performing, but this time I made a special exception because, well, chicks were dressing in slutty costumes.
While in the club and sitting at the bar, a rather petite girl dressed as a sluttier version of Halle Berry's Catwoman (instead of skin-tight pants, she had on a mini-skirt?classy) sat on my lap and started making out with me. Keep in mind, I did not buy her a drink, I did not say two words to her, and I didn't even see her coming. She just sat on me and started kissing me? then, without so much as a goodbye, she jumped off my lap and walked away? into the arms of a guy who also did not know her (as was evident by the puzzled look on his face).
After they finished kissing, she walked up onto the dance floor.
I followed.
Catslut repeated this feat with three men in a row, grabbing them, kissing them, and then leaving them quickly to find another man. Eventually she found an Army uniform-wearing dude roughly six feet eight inches tall and started rubbing on his ass and crotch. But she couldn't kiss him on the lips because she was too short and dude was not acknowledging her. So she did what any reasonable slut would do at the time, she undid his belt, unzipped his pants and started sucking him off.
I love Tampa.
And I love 2007. Because it is 2007, about twenty people began utilizing their camera phones to take pictures of this awesome event. (Note: For the first time in my entire life, I actually wished I had a camera phone.)
Now, that would be a pretty funny story in and of itself, but the truth is we're not even to the funny part yet.
Because receiving public oral sex is a technical misdemeanor in the state of Florida, two bouncers headed over to warn the dude, whose body language was freaking priceless.
Picture this (because I don't have a camera phone): two huge bouncers talking to one huge guy on a dance floor, trying to convince him that he has to stop getting head. Dude shrugs, gestures to her, explains the situation (I guess?they talked for a few minutes) and in the end, the bouncers decide that they have to throw her out.
Except they can't get her off his dick.
The bouncers try to talk to her, but she pretends not to listen (or really can't hear) and just keeps swallowing dude's cock.
So then the bouncers get the idea to just try to pull her off by her armpits, but dude reacts to that by screaming, so the bouncers, owners of penises themselves, decide to give this another thought.
One bouncer gets on his walkie-talkie and, not twenty seconds later, a girl comes by with a small bucket of ice and dumps it on the chick, who jumps up in an effort to start a sexy chick-fight, which never happens because the bouncers grab the Catslut and throw her out.
The next morning, as I was mulling over exactly how to write about this bizarre happening, I remembered a conversation I once had with PIC Owner and Fearless Editor Court Sullivan's girlfriend.
She mentioned that Court had told her about the time he witnessed me getting head in a bar in Tampa and that she didn't know any other guy who would let a girl do that.
I told her that every guy would let a girl do that and the following conversation resulted:
Liz: You can't do that in public.
Me: Why not?
Liz: ‘Cause it's in public.
Me: But it's a blowjob.
Liz: But it's in public.
Me: But it's a blowjob.
Liz: But it's in public.
Me: But it's a blowjob.
And on and on.
And I guess that if any point or moral can be derived from my little evening on the town here, it's that most men will take oral sex anywhere they can get it and most male onlookers don't have a problem with that so long as the girl giving head is dressed like a slutty cat.
Or, more than likely, there is no moral and I just wanted to tell you some bizarre-ass shit I saw because, you know, it was there, I was there, and you're here.
And regardless of morals or points, it's still a blowjob.
And that's reason enough for just about anything.