Me: Do you have any idea how awesome I am?
Court: Umm? I have some idea.
Me: I just took a Heineken Girl home from the bar, hooked up with her, and brought her back and I owe it all to stellar bongo play.
Court: Wait… What?
Me: I played the bongos up at this bar because everyone who played got a free Heineken and my bongo playing was so awesome that it got me into conversation with the head Heineken Girl there and one thing led to my penis. And I just wanted to call and tell you how absolutely fucking awesome I am.
Court: Uh? okay.
Me: Is your girlfriend there?
Court: Yeah, we're actually about to watch a movie.
Me: Tell her I said hi, okay? Oh and let her know how awesome I am.
Court: I'm sure she knows, Nate. But I will remind her.
Me: Thanks.
Jake: Hey Dude, I know you're at work but I was wondering if you could look something up for me.
Me: Whatever.
Jake: Yeah, well I just need to know where?hey, what's your problem? You sound pissed.
Me: Those dumbasses in the MLB gave Russell Martin the Gold Glove even though he led all catchers in errors and threw out twenty two percent less runners than the Cardinals' Yadier Molina.
Jake: And this pisses you off?
Me: Damn right it does.
Jake: You're not taking steroids, are you?
Paige: I'm the type of girl who hates drama. You know, I just wish everyone could work together and set aside their differences.
Me: That's cool.
Paige: How would you sum up yourself?
Me: I am awesome.
Paige: And humble, obviously.
Me: Comes with being awesome.
Paige: So why are you awesome?
Me: God decreed it when he made celery useless.
Paige: What?
Me: It's just a coincidence. My awesomeness has nothing to do with celery.
Paige: Dana was right, you are weird.
Me: Awesome weird.
Paige: Whatever.
Hillary: You've been coming to our gym real consistently. What got you into working out?
Me: A steady decline in the female hotness of my one night stands.
Hillary: Oh, I've heard of you. You're the guy Mark calls, Joker. That's a pretty funny joke.
Me: Thanks?
Hillary: Are you like a comedian or something?
Me: Nope, just your garden variety asshole.
Hillary: I doubt that. You're too cute to be an asshole.
Me: I'm Nate.
Hillary: I'm Hillary.
Steve: That chick over there just turned 21. What do you think of her?
Me: She's fat.
Steve: She's a little fat.
Me: She's very fat.
Steve: No, man. She's maybe twenty pounds overweight.
Me: She's twenty pounds over my weight.
Steve: Whatever, Dude. She's drunk and horny and easy and young.
Me: And fat.
Steve: You dwell on the negative way too much for my liking.
Me: Yeah, well you fuck fat chicks.
Steve: I guess we all have our crosses to bear.
Me: Whatever. Go roll your fatty.
Me: Do you have any idea how awesome I am?
Casey: I do read your blog and I'm pretty sure that it's dedicated to the concept of how awesome you think you are so I like to think that I have some idea. Why?
Me: I was umpiring this game, and an eleven year old kid whipped his bat back at me after he swung and missed and I caught it with my left hand because I am awesome and tough and super cool.
Casey: You may be exaggerating a tad.
Me: I don't think so. You should have seen the reactions of the parents and kids. I even have a bruise on my hand. I'm like a comic book character.
Casey: You know, I agree with you there, but for an entirely different reason.
Me: Fuck you.
Labels: snippets