Dan: The wife wants me to sell the Mini-Cooper and get a mini-van.
Me: When did you start calling her “the wife?”
Dan: Week three.
Me: You count the weeks in your marriage?
Dan: Like it's a motherfucking football season, bro.
Me: Why?
Dan: You wouldn't understand unless you were married, dude.
Aaron: I bought you a whole bunch of fatty meat.
Me: Why?
Aaron: To fuck up your diet.
Me: You're an asshole.
Aaron: And then some.
Me: So why's she want you to ditch the Cooper?
Dan: She's pregnant again and she thinks the Cooper's not practical.
Me: Well she's right. I mean it ain't practical.
Dan: Fuck you, dude. This is no time for logic and reason. When the fuck did you get logical and reasonable anyway? I've known you since college. I've seen you do so much shit, I could write a book about you. That's fucked up.
Me: I'm just saying, two kids and a Mini-Cooper ain't practical.
Dan: Go get fucked by a syphilis ridden whore you back-stabbing son of a bitch.
Me: Calm down, man. It's not that big a deal.
Dan: The fuck it ain't.
Me: Well why is it such a big deal?
Dan: You wouldn't get it unless you were married, dude.
Aaron: You think I could write for Points in Case?
Me: I don't see why not.
Aaron: I'll bet I could be more popular than you.
Me: That's not saying much.
Aaron: I know. That's why I think I can do it.
Me: Asshole.
Aaron: Count on it.
Me: So did you plan the second one?
Dan: I didn't plan shit.
Me: You think she planned it?
Dan: I don't know. All I know is I didn't.
Me: Did you ask her about it?
Dan: Of course not.
Me: Why not?
Dan: Again, this is one of those things you can't really explain to single people.
Aaron: Why do these readers feel the need to leave all these negative comments?
Me: Who knows? I learned early on in this game that as long as you elicit an emotion, even anger, you win. Paul'll be okay. He's been writing comedy for a long time.
Aaron: So like, what if you don't elicit any emotion?
Me: You fail. If you can't make someone feel something, the writing is lost on the reader.
Aaron: Your writing makes me feel like hitting you with a brick.
Me: See, I win then.
Aaron: Not if I actually do it, you don't.
Me: You're an asshole.
Aaron: Takes one to know one, brother.
Labels: snippets