Kim: You look good. What's your secret?
Me: I work out and I diet.
Kim: That's boring. I was hoping you had discovered some kind of new drug or something?
Me: How old are you?
Kim: Well, my ID says 21 but?
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Mike: Dude, did you see that?
Me: About five times.
Mike: Finally, the Bucs' first kickoff returned for a touchdown.
Me: I feel so much better than I did ten minutes ago. I'm? like motivated or something.
Mike: Micheal Spurlock just made me come.
Me: You always have to one up me, don't you?
Mike: No, I'm just better than you. It's not my fault you interpret it that way.
Me: What did you think of the Mitchell Report?
Dave: I think I read it all in the papers over the last three years.
Me: To be fair, it was a decent summary.
Dave: Yeah, but it was supposed to be a report, not a fucking summary.
Me: Maybe they can change the name.
Dave: I think it's too late for that, Nate.
Me: The Mitchell Summary. It has a nice ring.
Dave: Not happening, Nate. Pick another topic.
Me: Why don't you ever want to explore stupid shit? I find humor in stupid shit.
Dave: I don't.
Me: Bullshit man, you watch Raymond.
Dave: Don't talk shit about Raymond, motherfucker. Everybody. Loves. Raymond.
Me: My bad, my bad. New topic.
Kristen: I think, when I grow up, I want to be a pilot.
Me: You're 27.
Kristen: Fuck you.
Me: You ever think that God has a plan for you?
Dave: If he does, me and God are beefin'.
Me: So you'd rather live in a world that isn't predestined?
Dave: No. If this is what I'm predestined to be then I hate the world.
Me: Then really and truly, you hate yourself. Marinate on that.
Dave: Are you high?
Me: So how was the doctor's office?
James: Chlamydia.
Steve: The light beer of venereal diseases.
Me: To Chlamydia.
James: May she never be herpes, Aids, syphilis or gonorrhea. May she continue to be a lady and never a bitch. Goodbye to the stinging. Thank God there's no itch.
Me: You're a goddamn poet.
James: You ain't the only one around here that taps the keys, motherfucker.
Steve: Yeah, Nate. Put that in your pipe and pass it to your hippie friends.
Me: That's my line.
Steve: Whatever man, I can use it in everyday speech. This is America, God dammit.
James: Home of the motherfucking Braves.
Me: Don't forget the Cardinals.
James: Huh?
Labels: snippets