Ashley: My mom's a Jehovah's Witness.
Me: I think that's a religion for cheap people.
Ashley: What?
Me: Think about it. They don't celebrate birthdays or holidays. So they never have to pay for gifts. They're the only ones willing to work over the holidays, so they get all the double-pay shifts, and when they take their vacations, it's always during off-peak seasons so they get all the cheap tickets and cruises. I think the entire motivation for that religion is monetary.
Ashley: I'm curious.
Me: About what?
Ashley: Did you ever have a soul or were you born like this?
Me: Brrr, girl. That was cold.
Lila: Don't ever fucking write anything about me or our relationship again.
Me: Well, at least I can't accuse you of mixed signals. No gray area there.
Lila: Never again, got it?
Me: I got it. I got it.
Lila: I will fucking kill you if you do, are we clear?
Me: Clear as day, babe.
Me: What do you think James Bond would have done if he wasn't a spy?
Dave: I think he would have been some kind of stock broker.
Scott: Or maybe some kind of ambassador.
Rick: Dude, he would have been a prostitute and y'all know it.
Me: We know it?
Rick: You do now. Dude was a straight-up whore.
Me: So are lots of guys, but they wouldn't do it professionally.
Rick: Well James Bond would.
Me: How can you be so sure?
Rick: I have every Bond movie on DVD. Trust me. I know.
Dave: Well then, glad we cleared that up.
Me: If I became a cop, it'd probably be just to run scams and be corrupt.
Brick: I think that's a given. Like, if I heard you became a cop, I'd be like, ‘Well, I'm sure he's corrupt.' I mean, why else would you do it?
Me: To serve and protect.
Brick: I said why else would you do it. Not why else would anyone do it.
Me: Oh yeah… I guess you did.
Lila: Why do you have a DVD collection of the OC?
Me: The first season was masterful. Why? You want to watch?
Lila: That is the queerest thing I know about you. I'm telling everyone.
Me: Go ahead. I still say the first season was very well done.
Lila: Weirdo.
Lila: I'm coming over. What are you doing today?
Me: Watching football.
Lila: I'll bring a book.
Labels: snippets